-110 and Counting

So at some point you have that life changing "ah ha!".... followed by a plethora of thought, questions and decisions. I could be talking about laundry soap or brands of sandwich meat, but no. I am talking about baggage. Physical baggage. I have spent my life, since the age of 9 dealing with it. And it has always defeated me.
It has been interesting as I recall all of the ??? support I have received. You know the kind, they state the obvious yet lack compassion as they remind you that they are there for you. They talk nicely ".... to...." you but stand in the other room critiquing and criticising you. They are without empathy. They are actually clueless to this struggle. It is foreign to them.
That is okay mind you, as we all have something we are at war with. A battle that requires complete and intentional focus to "divide and concur. It may take days or decades, but even when it is overcome, it will take a lifetime of commitment and attention to stay triumphant.
So here it is, my dirty laundry aired for the world to see. OK, they have already seen it but most have not walked too far in my shoes. Well, I have changed shoes. I am running now, focused on the prize. And it is indeed within reach. Can't believe it myself. I have wanted to find a way to successfully "change my ways" and I have. I have found a way to stay on target and not feel deprived or as if I am being disciplined. I have changed....many things. For example:

1. My clothes. About every 4 weeks. A size smaller. I am down to keeping about 5 shirts and pants in my current size and one of each in the next size smaller. Everything else, gone!
2. My food. I have learned what to keep for meals, and I have it everywhere. No more excuses. I can not blame mom if my celery runs out. All me!
3. My lifestyle. I have turned over a new leaf or at least a rock or two. Time to move, change all the behavior. I am training for a half marathon which I am signed up for in November. Yikes! I can run a blender, but a race? This will indeed be a great adventure.
4. My mind. I haven't lost it, though some may disagree. But I am taking thoughts captive, recognizing that for me, this is going to be my life's work, so to speak. I will have to make friends with the changes and also admit that I am not losing a kidney, but cake. Not too bad when I think of it this way.

If you see me digress, please say so. If you have a hard time understanding this struggle, think about what you fight in your life. It is just the same only not chocolate. And if it helps, I know what you are going through, even if I don't have exactly the same battle. I have the same desire, goal and tools available to get to the finish line. And together we can stay stronger, just like Aaron and Hur were there for Moses. One will hold up the arm of the other if they are weak or tired. I will be there for you!

Thought for Today

Any Questions???

Passing the Torch

Two: I want that! I want it now. WAAAAA!
Seven: I like that. I will take it, hide it. Mine! All mine!
Fifteen: I like that. I will trade you something for it. Too cool!
Thirty five: I don't think this is what I wanted. Does somebody want it? I will make you a deal.
Sixty one: We've been there, had that, I think....pretty sure. Might be in the garage.
Seventy nine: That is mine, give it back. I want it, I want it now! WAAAA!
Eighty three: I've never had that. Why would anyone want that?
Ninty: That's not mine. Take it away, ....What is it?

Well time changes things, perspective and definitely memory. Even more alarming is the change in "roles". It was absolute joy growing up in my family. Oh don't get me wrong, we were normal ...for Air Force brats moving coast to coast with a father gone often and a mom at home. We got along....and as the baby no one suffered as much....I mean had it better. My sister and brother have always watched out for me. They have been my cheer leaders, partners in crime and friends. We even laugh together....often! THAT is what siblings should do.

Then there is the whole parent child thing. I watched my siblings grow up only to leave me at home. Really! Completely abadoned for such silliness as marriage and families. Eventually I left to travel, go to school.... many times, marry and become a mom. The role was easy and our child the greatest gift. A special gift, my son. A clean, untainted view of the world and the ability to get me to de-escalate in the most challenging moments. Then suddenly I acquired two other children. One a bit passive and quiet, a streak of stubborness but a great smile and quick wit. The other chatty, silly and a bit cranky, fussy if you will with a glimmer of insecurity. On the upside she loves to give gifts. I never imagined having three special needs kids all at the same time. Yikes!

While I love this role it has been brutal. I have watched these kids change, dramatically. I have watched the younger one, 15,  grow making us proud in his efforts in school while the older ones, 82 and 84, regress through the doors of time, and memory. They have fought every bit of the way too. Loss of space, work, familiarity, privileges, ability, memory. Gone like a vapor, or so it must seem to them. They have transitioned through this life change at different speeds, but are heading to the same destination. A loss of self as they see it.

Once full of direction, conversation and ability they are finding it difficult to make the simpilest decisions. And so that is where I come in. I have gone from baby, youngest daughter to caregiver, nurse, and stranger. It is okay, I have gotten used to that. I don't mind being the tough girl. What is hardest to adjust to is the fussing. Temper tantrums in grown adults is really quite different than when I watched my son do it. First he was little and cute. Secondly he didn't tell me what he thinks. Grown ups do that. And they have a whole vocabulary of emotions and thoughts that I would rather not know.

So I have come to accept that I have gone from the child to the parent. I have transitioned from taking advise to giving orders. I am in charge, and have had to make the tough decisions. I don't have to spank anyone so that is great, but it feels like that at times. Learning to ignore the words and accept the feelings is the most challenging step to make this all work. They don't mean what they say, but that is because they can no longer express what they feel. Patience, small words, short activities, naps, quiet time. Sound familiar? It is what we do now to be happy. Much like those early years, we are working on taking baby steps to this change in life. I am taking notes.