Moving On.......

I was sent a very thought provoking read today.....

'It's just a sad, universal truth that there are people we love a lot who don't really love us back. Whether platonic or romantic (or even, sadly enough, familial) there are always going to be these uneven relationships in which one person is constantly left feeling as though their emotions and their desires are a mild irritant. There are going to be those we go out of our way for who never quite acknowledge us in return, who will never be there to listen to our problems, who will never drive out in the middle of the night to pick us up when we're in trouble - no matter how much we do these things for them.'

Really speaks to me as I have a life long problem of letting go. I love deeply and for life, and it takes a minute to gain my commitment. Over the years I have seen that some relationships are ended due to distance, circumstance or decision. I have a very difficult time with these, some much more than others, and I find it painful to lose someone I truly care for. It is a death. I grieve.

Interesting is that two of these causes at least are spontaneous if you will. They are easier to work through. You move away, interests change or circumstances change such as having young children or changing schedules. They die a slow, but seemingly expected death. It is almost as if they are on hospice. We know it is coming and we are more prepared. The longing for that person may still exist but you accept that they are 'gone'. You can appreciate the why of seeing it go.

The third case however is the most difficult as it is sudden, unexpected. It is clearly not something prepared for and much like having someone kidnapped. They are just gone! You walk around with this vision of what would have been, what should be, the hopes for the future. Longing for answers, racked with guilt and sorrow. You are not in control and can't effect a change. It's horrible for the one left behind.

In all of these cases, it is important to move through the phases of grief in order to let it all go. I am really horrible at this. But I am also fatigued by it. I have cards, gifts and letters that have never been sent because I don't have an address, I never hear if things are received or perhaps it is like the 100th time " I " will be sending something while I have never had anything returned. Not that I do things for reward, but if the only one having the relationship is me, then I must assume.......I am not liked, I am not wanted, I am not loved. I am, as the author wrote, an irritant that someone is putting up with or ignoring or hiding from.

So even though my heart loves, it is an un-requited love. And that energy, though I believe God given, is not being spent well. So I am determined to take a long hard look at the list in the book and begin the process of amputation of the painful growths that have consumed me over the years. Time to set free those whom I love and be free from those who do not value me.  I will work at moving on, trusting God will give me peace as I 'say goodbye' and give joy to those I leave behind.

Should be a new day!

Sakes Alive I'm 55!

Well isn't that something. And when I finally reach the double digit I am pleased to say I am no longer the speed limit. I am genuinely in the middle. Not city and not freeway, but just cruisin' in the middle. Cool.

I have had a very refreshing time this year as I celebrate my birthday. Here are some of the things I have enjoyed:

My hip is one year old and rotating without a hitch. That's right no hitch in my right giddy up. Sweet.
My beta blockers are helping me keep oxygen to the brain so that I have intelligent thoughts which I express freely. Hey, I heard you snicker!
I can do hot yoga. Who knew! And my yoga boy is having a blast too.
I now sleep at least two nights a week whether I need it or not, and sometimes when I'm talking but usually not while driving. This sentence should still alarm someone but hey, lets not focus on a little blip in wellness.
I am no longer rarely bothered by the fact that my legs and feet feel like they are freezing.
I am NOT my diagnosis and choose not to speak about it. It does not deserve that much energy.
I am able to purge.......the house. I realize that I will not have an 'episode' if I give away a parental treasure or take down a drawing by my son. I do believe there is a statute of limitations however so until that passes I may have to re-evaluate, or seek professional help.
I have true friends. They have weathered the storm of caring for my parents, my health crisis, my hip surgery and my recovery. They have stayed with me through thick and thin, late nights and ice cream and coffee. Priceless!
I have a wonderful family. Encouragement, humor, commitment, love and coffee. Amazing in every way. Who knew I would win the lottery in this way.

I really feel ready for the next decade or three. I have this fresh wind and it has given me courage and determination to continue to improve body, mind and spirit. I have renewed energy to write letters, finish decades old projects and organize space. I am even enjoying walking! Sitting remains my least favorite thing but then that's not completely bad, unless you are eating and then it can really be a challenge. Just have to find that perfect chair. Hopefully I won't have to buy too many before I get the BINGO.

So 55 looks much better than 50 or 52 or 54. I feel like there is some light in the room and joy in the heart. Those are good things. It is not always easy to journey in darkness as few are in rank with you.
I am fortunate to have very little stake on the things of this world, choosing to spend as much energy as possible finding the positive and enjoying the road in front of me. Thats where the focus needs to be, the next footstep. So here's to the next year. I am hoping it continues to  shine with healing and freedom from this life's momentary discomforts.