More Alike than Unalike

I have heard this from so many sources, and said it a zillion times. And it rings true no matter where or what or why something is going on. So at our monthly picnic in the park events I am finally getting to know the parents I have seen and have photos of for oh.....10 or 15 years. Why, you ask, have we only now come to speaking terms? Well it is directly related to the social butterfly I raise.....Master Gates!

The first time we met in the park we actually spoke for 3 hours at which point we all had an Ah Ha! Our children were now old enough, mature enough and interactive enough to "hang out" without constant micro management which allowed us to actually converse. Who knew!

It started out a bit awkward. "Hi, I am Cody's mom." "That's nice, but what is your name?" Hmmmm, a long pregnant pause. In 10 or 15 years I have always and only been Codys' mom. The children, whom I have loved, hugged, high-fived and watched grow up have always called me Codys' mom. The teachers refer to me as Mrs. Gates, Codys' mom. The therapist and care providers call me "Mrs. Gates, Codys' mom" as if they are attached, a single description of my title and role.

As we dug in to our fruit, home made burritos and coffee, we all realized that for the first time that we are more than an appendage to our children. It has been a long road and we have "arrived". Over the summer we have gotten to hold entire conversations finding out the who, what and why we are where we are today. And it is marvelous, inspiring, assuring!

You may take that for granted, having had this occur perhaps when your children started school. But for us, at least as it relates to our special kids, we have only just entered this phase of life. Yes we have had to wait for it, some much longer than others, but we are sooooooo glad it is here. I LOVE these friends. They are like NEW friends. Even though we have walked side by side, we have not been able to really get to know each other until this year. And it is wonderful.

I have found not only children I love and relate to, but their grown ups are validation that I am not alone, that we have all gone through similar challenges and we are all concerned about the same things for their futures. And we understand each other. We have the same "extra eye", and yes it was ME who lost their son for just a moment at Picnic #2, probably at the exact moment I was sharing how I lost him 3 times when he was younger. Ok so now it is 4, but lets not focus on that. That is indeed another post.

As we came home from picnic #3 Rich and I both commented on how much we enjoyed TALKING to Grown Ups at these events. It has been a long time since we have gotten to socialize with parents of "our kids" and what a great group to hang out with. We have had bowling, baseball and picnics as well as upcoming parties and dances. Good times.

And we are grateful. We are comforted that as we share all of our tales, worries and joys that we are in the company of friends who know exactly what we are talking about. We have found that in this group of friends, we are indeed much more alike than unalike!

-135 and Holding

Well 1 year ago it began. A light turned on, a complete change of direction, vision cleared, eyes wide open. All of these could be used to describe the point at which I realized I had to make some changes. And I had to make them for life, not a week or a month. For ever!! And so it began.

I would love to say that I could start this lifestyle change without any assistance but no! I need the Lord in absolutely everything I do and I need 1:1, eye contact, face to face review of the numbers. As I approached the holidays, halfway through this change process I think I could have gone on by myself. I had my new menu and habits hardwired. I make better choices, I have the right food in the house, and I know I am the only one who can make or break this. It is mine, I own it, I am responsible for it. I am the problem and the solution.

Sounds good doesn't it. A life long learner, that is what I am. I started  this battle at 9 and have been in constant contention with it since. It would be a series of events that occurred over just a short period of time that really opened my eyes and cleared the fog. I saw it as it was. No hiding behind the dessert table. Oh you would think things like not being able to fit in an amusement ride, or the baseball stadium seat or a booth might trigger some change. But you  don't live in those places so you can ignore them or walk away using selective memory.

It would be the collision of 5 things that would do it: Watching someone I love with the same weight issues struggling to walk as the result of chronic non-healing injuries, the mounting responsibility of taking care of two elderly parents with declining health, the concern over the long term care needs of our son should I not be around in forty years, a loved one with increasing health problems and a full time job. I suddenly realized that I won't live long if I don't change my condition and no one will be able to take care of me if I don't! I had to get my hands around this behavior.

It is a behavior. It is not an illness, disease or something out of my control. I eat for emotions and fatigue. I think that is pretty common from what I know of this world. I can blame any number of people or circumstances but the truth is that it is me, only me, always me. ME ME ME! Sing that a few thousand times until it sinks in. I choose, I shop, I cook, I I I I I make the food go in or go away. Therefore I I I I can fix it. I can choose what, when, how, where and why to eat. I can shop for the right food, and get lots of it to have in the house and car and office. I can cook food that is lower calorie, or even different from what I prepare for others, just for me if need be. I CAN because I CHOOSE to be IN CONTROL.

So I began the process of watching every detail of my day. Reviewing my food, activity. Seeing what worked and what didn't for my daily activities. Checking in every week, faithfully. I even have a chart with all of my results on it. I pay attention to my stats...just like I would with my bank account, TV guide or facebook. I read it, follow it and I know what is going on! No difference. It is part of my daily routine. And I have come now to the place where I think I can begin maintenance. I have learned the value of celery and Extra Dessert Line gums. I have a plan and a backup plan. I am prepared. Much like my trips to Disneyland. I have all the necessary tools, and if I forget something, I go buy it!

So while I am not too sure if I am at MY personal goal, everyone including my physician, husband, family and friends think I am good. I value their opinions. I take tons of photos as the mind and the body are about 12 months apart. I never really saw my size in my minds eye....only in photos or tiny seats. Now I am trying to learn to see a smaller me today, as I still tend to see a larger me. I would say by next summer I might see the me I am today. So next year when I get a compliment I might agree:-)

That all being said, I am grateful for the first year. I determined I was changing my lifestyle, not doing a program. It is a marathon not a sprint and I will cross the finish line when I die. How is that for goal setting. For the rest of my days there are many fruits, vegetables and proteins on the menu. An occasional starch .... perhaps. It is not a diet, it is a lifestyle. It is not for now it is for always. And it is fine, because it is just food not a kidney! And I will exercise. I will focus on that. I will run the race (or at least walk very quickly) and finish, my eyes on the prize.

And in this journey I also believe that because I have done this I can likely do many other things that have been on my bucket list. Things that perhaps at one point seemed too hard, now I think many of them are possible. So perhaps as time moves forward I will move from year one, weight loss, to year two, ironing....or some such. I am eager to see which challenge will become my next life changing project.

Stay tuned friends and family, and be encouraged, because if I can YOU CAN TOO! Jude 24-25

We're Having a Baby!

Okay, calm down! We are not having a baby right now, but it seems like just yesterday we were telling everyone we knew we were going to have a baby, finally! The journey for us was painful, depressing, frustrating and leaving us questioning what God's plan was for us. Four miscarriages. Could it be that my love for children was to be satisfied in other ways? I think of Abraham and Sarah who named their son Isaac meaning laughter or joy. They like us thought they were never going to have children. Clearly we are not the only ones to suffer this trial.

Needless to say, by pregnancy number 5 we were reluctant to share anything. Into the fifth month we were confident that perhaps this time we would see our joy realized. And we did. Trust me, we got everything we asked for and so much more. He arrived in his own time, in his own dramatic fashion. 2 weeks 6 days past the due date. 9 lbs 15 ounces and 23 1/2 inches tall. Oh, did I say by emergency c-section? No? Well in grand fashion he arrived to an audience and he has been commanding one ever since. He loves being center stage I think. He was a quiet, content baby and has been a positive, cheerful child. He rarely exhibits anger or unkind behavior. I could probably count those times on one hand.
 
 

Early on we were faced with the need to hand him to a complete or near stranger for open heart surgery. 4 months old. Small, fragile. Terrifying really, even with great faith. You are brought to your knees.  You seek assurance, complete trust in the outcome as you hand over the most precious thing you have ever known, no matter what the outcome will be. As you hand your bundle to the masked faces, you watch the door close and just like that, you are alone again. And you don't know what will happen next. You wait.

With gratitude we saw him come through surgery well, and they identified two things to repair when all along they thought there was only one. He had tubes and needles and a big scar. But he was doing well, and would be in the intensive care for a few days while they recovered him. We never left him. One of us was always there. I can tell you to this day, with more than half dozen hospital admissions, 10 surgical procedures, and dozens (57) of emergency room visits, we have never left him alone. We stay, we watch, we pray. And we rejoice. Each day an incredible gift.

So fast forward to each landmark event that has forced us to grow in faith or trust. He wanders, he hides, he runs, he has no safety awareness, no stranger danger. Leaving him at school. Leaving him at program. Leaving him in Sunday School. Leaving him at therapy. Leaving him with a sitter. Letting him do his own care, make his own food, comb his own hair. Okay, well I am not too fussy on the hair, but you get the drift. You see he is learning about shaving, hair gel, spray and deodorant. What the grooming result is can be, well, a bit interesting some times. But that is the smallest of all the opportunities to learn to trust, let go, let God. I am still learning.

He is a junior this year, on a campus of 1700. Huge. He is popular on campus as he is polite and greets everyone he meets, BY NAME. He jokes, laughs, serves, helps, plays, works. He is everyones friend and everyone seems to be his. I never thought I would get to this place. I still park outside school for a few days into each semester, but once I know the teachers get it, I trust. I have to. You see no matter how long we waited, no matter how desperately we prayed for this child, no matter how long he lives with us, he really isn't ours! He is Gods. And God has a plan for him, from his first day to his last.

God has designed this genuine and compassionate heart. He is sensitive to people around him. He is the first to say hello, the first to hug, the first to  help. He has a spirit of constant service. He does things without being asked or prompted. He cleans, serves, helps others stand or sit, walk, opens doors, brings food or beverage, removes shoes, serves dinner. He sees a need and he does it. He makes every person feel special and has what they need. He is a servant.

What is most interesting is that as I write this tonight I did a search for the meaning of his name. You see we were not taken to this practice when we picked his name. We both wanted either Cody Joseph for a boy or Sarah Grace for a girl. Never really looked them up, as we immediately agreed on names. We had after all been waiting years to use them. What I discovered is that Cody is an Irish name which means "helper" and Joseph means "kind, thoughtful and good" as found in the old testament. And that is exactly the character of our son. How cool is that.

And just as a post script, we did name our girl. We suffered another miscarriage in 2003, a girl. In 2005 I was called by a colleague about a newborn in the neonatal intensive care in our hospital. It was a sad situation. The mother, who had three children already, did not want to keep this child. She had arranged a private adoption as she did not want to abort this baby. Once this beautiful girl arrived, it was discovered that she had Down syndrome. The adoptive family withdrew and the mother was faced with either having to take this child home or letting the state take her. My friend called me as she knew my love for children. I received permission to visit and hold her. And I did for almost 4 weeks!

I loved this beautiful baby girl.  STILL DO! I was determined to find the right home for her. After some phone calls to a dear friend, we found a family who wanted to adopt her. Time was critical as we had 10 days once she was cleared for discharge before the state would take her to foster care making a fast process painfully slow. All things said, on the very last day, lawyers and state documents done, she met her family. It was perfect. As they came to take her home, I was able to be there to hand her over. And they had in their hand the calendar that had a little mark on it. It was the day the children had started praying for a new baby. It was nine months before.  And they had asked what I called her. I told them I had named her Sarah Grace, and so it was. She fulfilled the meaning of her name as well, a princess who has found favor and blessing. Cool.


God knew my heart, and in a completely different way then we could have seen, He fulfilled our desires. We are constantly reminded of His goodness and that our vision is limited while God's is not. I am grateful He gave us the perfect child for us. I am grateful He sees what we can not. I am grateful I had a beautiful baby boy. Happy 16th Birthday Cody Joseph!