Anise

What Have You Done?

What Have You Done?

by Judy Gates - Friday, 28 September 2018, 11:25 PM

For the third time today she called me to come back to her apartment. She had 'unprogrammed' the television remote again and was angry, threatening to leave her assisted living facility. I came in, slammed the door and went straight to the tv. Frustrated, I picked up the oversized remote, punched the keys and laid it down by her chair. I turned around and plopped down on the sofa. The soft, plush fabric under my fingers was almost calming. I rubbed it while I tried to not sound as frustrated as I felt when I talked to her.

She cut me off before sound came out of my mouth and proceeded to tell me how she was angry I tricked her into moving, took away her car and now she was going to walk out the door. She was not making eye contact but staring at the door and grinding the bridgework in her mouth. 

I looked around the room. It was a beautiful apartment for which I had bought almost all new furniture. I was envious in some ways. I looked at the picture of my dad and silently wondered what he would tell me to do. I could smell the popcorn from the game room down the hall which permeated the building every afternoon. It was making me hungry. I was thinking I could grab some on the way out. 

We sat quietly for a bit and I finally decided I would go. She started at the beginning again, yelling about her life situation. 'What have you done to me?' She did not understand why she couldn't live alone, why I was locking her up. She stood up as if she was going to walk out the door behind me, lost her balance and nearly tripped over her shoes which she had taken off after the last time I had come back. She sat back down, wringing her hands, lips tight. She never took her eyes off the door. 

It was clear there would be no way to resolve this mood. I walked over to her tv, turned on the weather channel so she could hear the music, kissed her on the cheek and left. Guilt and failure followed me home. I was crying at the  overwhelming hostility and anger from her. I called to check on her about an hour after I got home. She was playing BINGO

JLG 9.28.18

Optimist Training 101

Optimist Training 101

I have those in my life who always see the glass more empty, who have mastered the 'yeah but what if.....'. It is so much easier for them to plan for the failure, disaster or disappointment then it is to be hopeful for the success, the solution or the joy.

Why is that?

I will be transparent, I get depressed. It's true. And it can be overwhelming, dark and highly negative. I can give up hope when I listen to the negative words and corrupt whispers. But it is in that rapid slide spiraling downward that I must make an intentional choice. I can listen to the voice telling me that I am not worthy, unloved, will never have anything or I can stand up, speak against it and choose joy. It is a choice, and it is born in the battlefield.

Words are powerful, they can bring death or life. If you agree with that negative voice, if you speak life into it, if you agree with it then do not be surprised that you do not have the life you 'think' you desire. It, the enemy, has already won. If you agree you won't ever have things, get things, have success, feel better, get help, etc, etc. then it is likely you will not! You are choosing that, you are choosing to be defeated. YOU!

The enemy is so sneaky, and before you know it you have fallen into the trap. But do not be in despair. There is hope, there is a way, you can change the course! Choose a different path. It will seem fruitless, silly or even a failure. I've been there, I know. But if you speak 'life' long and loud enough, you will see it! You will rise above the shade and into the light. You will start to think more positively, you will feel more hopeful, your glass will seem more full!

Yes, this is the God part of the message. We are powerless without Him. He is a gentleman though and He will never force you to change or make you do anything. He never has! But He will gladly and eagerly walk with you, cheer you on. He wants only the best for you. The spiritual warfare is centuries old. Get into the battle, and move. He will  show you the way out.

Then refuse! Refuse to speak negatively. Refuse to hear the gossip. Refuse to believe the chatter. Turn away from those who seek to destroy you and toward the one who holds the prize. Trust me, I fight this battle often. If I didn't change course or change the conversation I would surely die in the muddle. But because I fight, I rise above it all! I can face a new day. Don't give in, don't give up.

Think of Joshua and the wall of Jericho. Small army, big wall. God says circle the city, silently for 6 days and on the 7th silently then blow a horn. 'Yeah, right'  is my first thought. I'm never going to get in that city, win a battle with our tiny force, be able to walk one time around the city in silence! BUT they remained intentional, they followed His directions.  They chose to believe even if it made no sense at all, and there it was, walls crashing down. Mic drop!

So, remain positive even if it seems completely impossible. Refuse to say or think a single negative thought. Reject the noise of the enemy (which may be disguised as a spouse, friend, boss, etc). Expect to receive. You are no different than the little army with Joshua, and your need is likely not larger than a city with a huge wall! It's time to take on the enemy! God provided them a way. Don't believe for a minute you are of any less value. Looking forward to the changing winds!!

jlg 6/17/18 (c)

Deep Thoughts

Deep thoughts for a Monday!

Han Solo- Look, your Worshipfulness, let’s get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: me.
Princess Leia Organa- It’s a wonder your still alive.

We know this person. A colleague, employee, partner. They will not ask for nor take direction, help, counsel. They may desperately need it but can’t seem to admit it. Some see asking for help as weakness. They don’t embrace the group think or recognize the group impact from their actions. In the work world, just like our private world, we suffer or celebrate based on the actions of each individual. The answer comes from a simple change of mind. Applied to the way we work and the decisions made it could literally change the course of the world you impact.

Spock-The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or one. 🖖

Posted first on Linked In (6/25/18 jlg(c))

Reunion

Reunion

Have you been to one? Family, neighborhood, work, school? What a wonderfully awkward time. I must say we all looked nearly the same i.e. 40 years has not so completely disfigured our faces and bodies that we could, at a minimum, recognize the person! For many of us it was a series of internal musings:

I know we went to school together.
I know I recognize your face.
I can't remember why.
Did we like each other?
Were we friends, frenemies or strangers?
Do you still act the same, and if so, is that a good or bad thing?

I watched the room full of former students, whether strangers or best friends, return for our 40th high school reunion. I heard stories of joy, accomplishment, change, tragedy and sorrow. I saw some that were in the middle of their own personal battles. I learned of a couple that kept their circumstance unspoken despite the impact on them emotionally or physically. The stories of life, work, relationships and hopes for the future were telling of each life journey. So what do we take away from a reunion weekend that only happens every 10 years?  A few observations for me:

Time flies!
We all had ‘life’ change us.
Some have lost someone (children, spouses, marriages, parents or others) they love.
Some have traveled to far away places though they long to be home.
Some have sacrificed to care for others.
Several gave up their own dreams to help someone else achieve theirs.
Some have retired or celebrated a life change.
And there are those who have remained exactly the same!

So one can be sure of this: we remember good times from school, we might forget the details, life has happened to us all, we have experienced many different journeys, there is some amazing strength in the class, we can't judge the books by their covers, we all know who Bob Hope and Carol Burnett are, we will always have a Warrior connection, we don't know the heartache or difficulties each has faced, school did not teach us about caring for our parents, we don't see as well as we did at 18, we talk about things now we never would have mentioned in school, we have all made it this far, only time will tell what is  next, we will always be #wshsclassof78


jlg (C) 7/22/18

I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry

For hurt

For lies

For suffering

For abuse

For illness 

For loss

For disappointment

For poverty

For homelessness

For frustration

For loneliness 

For war

For violence

For sadness

For failure

I’m sorry that in the midst of life 

Difficult or unexpected things occur

I’m sorry I’m not there to hug you

And share tears and grief

I’m sorry I can’t take it for you

And hope I have never added to it

My heart and hope stand fast with you

As I lay it all down at the throne

I don’t know why hard things happen

I can’t explain why God allows it

But I know He has experienced it

At the horrible death of His Son

That hope rose with a dark sky

A torn vail and an empty tomb

Hope lives in the resurrected Jesus

Gloried, Ascended, Reigning

He knows all your suffering 

He collects every single tear

But one day He’ll Call you home 

And There you will be sorry no more

Jlg 10/31/18(c)

Just Like That

Flash Fiction - Just Like That

George ran through the house at lightning speed chasing his kick ball. It literally was bouncing off the wall. He giggled or cursed depending on where it landed. I yelled several times, reminding him dinner is at risk. Threatened with no dessert, no television, no allowance. All for not. He ran by me tugging my apron strings then kicked it out the back door. He followed with just his socks and shorts on, a full blizzard happening outside. I yell for him to stay in, come back in, put on clothes or at least shoes. His laughter never stops. He is having the time of his life. I shake my head, a subtle smirk starting until I see the dent in the pie. How did I miss that? Oh bother, it is just a ball running away from a boy. I laughed out loud at that thought.

He was as ambitious in school as he was in kick ball. He could run the length of the court faster than any in his class. He would chatter constantly which often caused me to wonder how he was doing with his studies, or better how do his teachers keep him focused on his studies. He had fantastic grades and I was never called to remove him so I figured school boy was more contained than home boy. LOL

He graduated top of his class, his legs nervously shaking as he sat in his seat waiting for his name to be  called. Finally, he was summoned to the podium to receive his diploma, wearing a smile that was ear to ear. And just like that he was gone. His adult life had begun. I was in shock and full of pride all at the same time. He had dreams of being a doctor, lawyer, scientist, athlete, policeman, Wiggle. You name it at one point or another, he had a dream. His future was before him, he was out of my control. As I looked out at the snow, I envisioned him running, jumping, giggling, enjoying his life every second. I missed that.

I stopped and just stared, then tossed my spoon and apron on the counter. I ran outside to play in the fresh snow. Before I knew it I had formed a snowman the size of my beautiful boy when he still let me hug him. He was just able to fit under my chin. I could just wrap my arms around him.

 JLG(c)1.3.3020

Love the One You're With

That's right, love the one you're with. That sounds simple enough. But quite frequently we are tempted, whether by some emotional bent or visual eye candy, to seek the one .....over there. What is that? My thoughts on the topic are below, obviously, it's a blog.

1. You SEE someone who looks/acts/has something you want or that has appeal. They are popular, have money, affluent lifestyle, party life, possessions, etc. The appearance is they have 'it'! They may seem to navigate life well, but what is it that you don't see? Is the camera-ready life of the party there when the night is over and the guests go home? Do they have the same attitude, personality, interest in others when they are not on stage? Do they invest in others? I would wager my salary the answer is no!

2. You MISS someone you lost. There is a gaping hole that no amount of putty will fill. Your idea, theirs or God's they are no longer in your world. The story that was being written is abruptly ended, dreams have died, you are no longer living that life. It is a death in all cases. You have no control over the void. There is grieving and sorrow and longing. Do they care/notice/long for you? Again, if this is the scenario that answer is no!

3. You DREAM of the 'idea' of people............hey, they aren't real, they don't exist. That idea of a spouse, friend, sibling, child, partner is not real. It is an image or idea you have about what you 'think' is right, what you 'think' is perfect, but indeed they are not real. No one exists who lives up to the dream, that imaginary friend you have in your head. NOT REAL.

I think at the holidays this is magnified as you are painfully aware of the hole in your heart, that missing slide in the projector. For me it is often what I think is important for my son, what is he missing, what has been lost, what is important to him. I am reminded of a few things that not only help me when I ache for him but I apply them to my life as well.

1. Whose in the room/your life/your story on a daily basis. Who is next to you when times are good or horrible or terrifying. That is who you love.

2. Who wants to be with you and wants you with them? That is the one who has your back, is your cheerleader, your comforter, your friend, your family. That is who you love.

3. Who knows you, your dreams and loves you anyway, unconditionally present, judgements removed. That is who you love.

Our very sensitive son has lost people in his life and it has been difficult for him to understand. He used to wait for those missing people to return, but as he has grown he has demonstrated love of those in his  world each day or better TODAY. He doesn't miss a beat. He says 'It's ok mom, I love you!" just because he wants you to know. And when he goes to program, he walks in the room and hugs/high-fives/hand slaps each person. He values those right there in the room, those are his friends, his family. He is full of joy in the moment. As I watch him he does this no matter where he is and every time he changes groups. He is a lover and he spends his day, loving the one he's with. So I see that the lesson is rather than focusing on what/who was, what/who isn't or what/who is only smoke and mirrors, why not celebrate the love of the one you're with.

I AM Thankful

I have this full heart and great joy today. It may not always be so but almost everyday it is. I look at things with an optimistic view, a glass nearly full not partially empty or leaking or contaminated. Life happens, it brings good and bad, happy and sad, hard and easy. It is not about the circumstance or climate or emotion of the moment but about the things I gain, learn, incorporate into the great painting of life. I know not everyone has this frame of reference in their journey, but it has been a simple daily test for where I put my hope. And it is not on this planet.

So when I make my list of things I am thankful for it may and often does include things that for some seem 'wrong'. For example, I am grateful that while each of my parents suffered Alzheimer's Dementia, they were happy, sometimes knew me and seemed mostly content in their last days. I am grateful they each passed very peacefully. I am grateful my son was able to be a part of those days as he saw it was not to be feared and he is such a gentle servant, always glad to just sit with them, hold a hand. It was a great boon to his development as he talks easily about it to others and he understands when others are enduring the same. He learned to pray not just for healing but for peace. He is actively sharing his gifts with another dear young friend who is on hospice. He is not afraid or confused, and loves to visit, leave notes and pray.

I am grateful for the past two years of personal struggles as it has taught me to rely even more on the One who made me in the first place. I have hope for healing but patience in the process. I am above ground, upright and still know my name so this is a great day. My perspective is constantly framed by the genuinely difficult times I see others enduring and I am reminded that my situation is but a momentary affliction, guaranteed to pass into a very perfect eternity. Not everyone has discovered that path, and there is more concern and urgency for those who are lost than for those who are in the waiting room.

I am grateful for my family. We are fortunate to have family both near and far who shower me with text messages, silly cards, treasure hunting, coffee and love. It is a great gift. I love seeing the family grow, the young ones getting older and the old ones acting younger. That is my favorite part really as when you are old and choose to act how you feel, no one dares to say anything. They may stare, but in the end everyone is entertained. So I love entering a room and jumping into whatever behavior is appropriate for the moment. I suppose that is yet another gift of my sons influence, as I love being his friend and feel that I can "hang" with the best of them. I love when we get to spend any time with family though there never seems to be enough time. Life is short, so I drink it in.

I am grateful for my friends who have seen me through countless life events. It is hard when family is not near to help but my life is blessed with friends who have stepped in and stepped up. Helping with my own family when I was at my lowest, making sure I have rest, medication and coffee. It was my friends that traveled to help put on my sons incredible graduation party. One took my mom, two put it all together. It was incredible and is something I will never be able to thank them enough for. It was my friends who helped with both parents in life and death. They helped move them (a few times), care for them when I needed to be in more than one place and in the end help finalize the services for our family. It allowed my brother, sister and I to spend time together and with those who came. They have embraced my son as well to the point that I think they like him better. But that is great!

I am grateful for what we have been given. It is an honor to have the tangible things bestowed on us and I love that we can share it forward when we have opportunity. I see the world at large with so many needs and it is a gift to be able to help as we are directed. Nursing is that way, you have a skill, knowledge, calling to pay it forward if you will. When we have other gifts, possessions or finances or time, it makes sense to share our gifts forward. I have been on the receiving end of much and I am humbled when we get to do that.

I am grateful for the ability to worship, work and live where ever I want. This is a fragile gift that in our current world is being threatened. I am always mindful of the soldiers around the world who are watching, waiting and warring to protect us. It is a gift that could be lost if we are careless or take it for granted. Many have battled and lost lives to get to America, to protect our freedoms and to establish our country. I do not want to disrespect that sacrifice and I am honored to be surrounded by family and friends and generations of military service men and women. Thank you.

Last I am grateful for you, taking time to read this little blog. I am praying you will have a blessed Thanksgiving and that you will be encouraged to find your list of things to be grateful for. It is never the first brush stroke but the final one that best defines your place in the big picture as we are all important. A painting missing a single stroke is incomplete so we are all of great worth in the final draft. Thank you for your place in the painting. Jude 24-25

Moving On.......

I was sent a very thought provoking read today.....

'It's just a sad, universal truth that there are people we love a lot who don't really love us back. Whether platonic or romantic (or even, sadly enough, familial) there are always going to be these uneven relationships in which one person is constantly left feeling as though their emotions and their desires are a mild irritant. There are going to be those we go out of our way for who never quite acknowledge us in return, who will never be there to listen to our problems, who will never drive out in the middle of the night to pick us up when we're in trouble - no matter how much we do these things for them.'

Really speaks to me as I have a life long problem of letting go. I love deeply and for life, and it takes a minute to gain my commitment. Over the years I have seen that some relationships are ended due to distance, circumstance or decision. I have a very difficult time with these, some much more than others, and I find it painful to lose someone I truly care for. It is a death. I grieve.

Interesting is that two of these causes at least are spontaneous if you will. They are easier to work through. You move away, interests change or circumstances change such as having young children or changing schedules. They die a slow, but seemingly expected death. It is almost as if they are on hospice. We know it is coming and we are more prepared. The longing for that person may still exist but you accept that they are 'gone'. You can appreciate the why of seeing it go.

The third case however is the most difficult as it is sudden, unexpected. It is clearly not something prepared for and much like having someone kidnapped. They are just gone! You walk around with this vision of what would have been, what should be, the hopes for the future. Longing for answers, racked with guilt and sorrow. You are not in control and can't effect a change. It's horrible for the one left behind.

In all of these cases, it is important to move through the phases of grief in order to let it all go. I am really horrible at this. But I am also fatigued by it. I have cards, gifts and letters that have never been sent because I don't have an address, I never hear if things are received or perhaps it is like the 100th time " I " will be sending something while I have never had anything returned. Not that I do things for reward, but if the only one having the relationship is me, then I must assume.......I am not liked, I am not wanted, I am not loved. I am, as the author wrote, an irritant that someone is putting up with or ignoring or hiding from.

So even though my heart loves, it is an un-requited love. And that energy, though I believe God given, is not being spent well. So I am determined to take a long hard look at the list in the book and begin the process of amputation of the painful growths that have consumed me over the years. Time to set free those whom I love and be free from those who do not value me.  I will work at moving on, trusting God will give me peace as I 'say goodbye' and give joy to those I leave behind.

Should be a new day!

Sakes Alive I'm 55!

Well isn't that something. And when I finally reach the double digit I am pleased to say I am no longer the speed limit. I am genuinely in the middle. Not city and not freeway, but just cruisin' in the middle. Cool.

I have had a very refreshing time this year as I celebrate my birthday. Here are some of the things I have enjoyed:

My hip is one year old and rotating without a hitch. That's right no hitch in my right giddy up. Sweet.
My beta blockers are helping me keep oxygen to the brain so that I have intelligent thoughts which I express freely. Hey, I heard you snicker!
I can do hot yoga. Who knew! And my yoga boy is having a blast too.
I now sleep at least two nights a week whether I need it or not, and sometimes when I'm talking but usually not while driving. This sentence should still alarm someone but hey, lets not focus on a little blip in wellness.
I am no longer rarely bothered by the fact that my legs and feet feel like they are freezing.
I am NOT my diagnosis and choose not to speak about it. It does not deserve that much energy.
I am able to purge.......the house. I realize that I will not have an 'episode' if I give away a parental treasure or take down a drawing by my son. I do believe there is a statute of limitations however so until that passes I may have to re-evaluate, or seek professional help.
I have true friends. They have weathered the storm of caring for my parents, my health crisis, my hip surgery and my recovery. They have stayed with me through thick and thin, late nights and ice cream and coffee. Priceless!
I have a wonderful family. Encouragement, humor, commitment, love and coffee. Amazing in every way. Who knew I would win the lottery in this way.

I really feel ready for the next decade or three. I have this fresh wind and it has given me courage and determination to continue to improve body, mind and spirit. I have renewed energy to write letters, finish decades old projects and organize space. I am even enjoying walking! Sitting remains my least favorite thing but then that's not completely bad, unless you are eating and then it can really be a challenge. Just have to find that perfect chair. Hopefully I won't have to buy too many before I get the BINGO.

So 55 looks much better than 50 or 52 or 54. I feel like there is some light in the room and joy in the heart. Those are good things. It is not always easy to journey in darkness as few are in rank with you.
I am fortunate to have very little stake on the things of this world, choosing to spend as much energy as possible finding the positive and enjoying the road in front of me. Thats where the focus needs to be, the next footstep. So here's to the next year. I am hoping it continues to  shine with healing and freedom from this life's momentary discomforts.

An Inspirational Story from Noah's Dad

From Gold Chain to Seminary Degree

You may not realize but it ALL matters

Every day I hear folks talk about the lack of fruit they see from their lives. They don't think what they say or do matters. But the truth is it ALL matters. You are the seed and the water or you are the weeds. The work and words you pour out each moment have a lasting effect. They will nourish life or choke it out. This is a beautiful example of human kindness, and the impact from someone years earlier still influencing a lovely young woman. Thanks to my friend Claire who has always found a garden of love to share. Enjoy!

Claire's One Last Post While She's Still a Kid

Forgiveness ....... Conversation of the week!

Relationship issues all week for my team and some of my friends. All kinds of nastiness, mean words, cruel and lasting insults damaging the heart of some of my strongest folks. While forgiveness is a hot topic, it is clear that there is some gray (grey) area. In order to exercise true forgiveness you have to define what it is and what it is not! Ego and emotion aside here is my take on the subject.


It is a decision, of will or mind, not emotion. It is an intentional choice to obey God. It is separate from the individual who has committed the offense. Whether they repent, want to reconcile or not, it is ours to give. It requires us to move on. With or without the relationship. We have to choose peace and purpose rather than contention that can lead us to sin or be a stumbling block for them.

To forgive is to forget! Uh, no! In order to learn from the past, the experiences of any kind need to remain in the mental 'file'. We may need to let go of the emotions, hurt or disappointment, but we would be remiss to try to wipe clean the memories of the past. It is imperative to take captive every thought in order to prevent reopening those feelings or wounds that would lead us to anger or hate. Should we face the source of our pain or suffering, we need to be in control of the memories that could fan the flames! It requires us to be purposeful in our actions and words.

Forgiveness won't stop the memory of pain! God has promised that He sees and that He will wipe away each tear. But it should mean that we are free of the bitterness or anger that leads to hate. Forgiving is not releasing the offender from the consequences of their actions. It is not excusing or dismissing behavior. People make choices and must be responsible for the fall out. Much like traffic violations, one must be accountable to accept they chose to run the red light, so to speak. As humans, we will make mistakes. But in order to grow we have to step up, own our mistakes, seek reconciliation and change! We should forget what is behind and strive toward what is ahead. Philippians 3.13

Forgiveness is not laughing it off. Minimizing hurt or denying it lives does not erase it. We can't ignore the feelings, as it would be a lie to say they 're not there which runs us into all kinds of trouble. Forgiveness involves not holding a sin (grudge) against a person any longer. But that said, it is different from trust. It is wise to take precautions, and sometimes the dynamics of a relationship will have to change. “The prudent see danger and take refuge, / but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” Proverbs 22.3 In other words, you won't keep walking into the situation expecting different results unless there is evidence God has changed hearts.

Forgiveness means being on guard so that we don't  allow be a root of bitterness to come springing up in our hearts. We must be 'shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves'. So we may forgive but we must be cautious in future encounters should they occur. Only God changes hearts. Until an offender has a true, supernatural change of heart it is only wise to limit the level of trust one places in that person or relationship. Being cautious doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven. It simply means we are not God and we cannot see that person’s heart. It may be that separation with forgiveness is the answer.

This is difficult for many who feel we all need to be holding hands and singing world peace songs from the 70's. It is definitely a two way issue and requires a two way response, God in the center. If both are not seeking and serving Christ, it is unlikely true reconciliation can happen. Peace may come with time, distance and prayer. Waiting on God is the only sustainable solution. And that's ok because God is able. 

Age

I could talk a lot about the attributes of aging. After all everyone I know is doing it. But truth be told the attributes often are overshadowed by, well, reality of the rusty bucket aka body we are currently using. You know, the groan here, the pop there. And it would be difficult to include all of the potential exciting changes you could experience. If I work very hard I could soon have a new series of Dr Seuss books ...... 'Oh The Noises I Can Make', or 'One Pill, Two Pill', or even 'Horton Hears a What'd You Say'? I always wondered why did they stop the series of What To Expect When You have Toddlers at such a young age. I think there is a lot of untapped expertise that could hit the print. i am just saying.

As I wake early every morning I am grateful that well....I am awake, my bed isn't wet and I still remember my name. Don't delve any deeper at this age as slight discrepancies may be noted. I could skip breakfast as I am usually full after the morning meds. LOL Lets get an add for that eating plan. Once I load dose on the coffee I am ready for, a shower. Can't rush a good thing.

Once the cacophony of sound subsides I am ready to start the day. I am sorry, you thought I was already there. Not so much. But NOW I am ready to get dressed, pack the lunches, prepare for a day of adventures and surprises. WORK, I am talking about work. Never know from one day to the next what project, process or crisis will arise. This may all require more coffee, meds and relaxation exercises most often the result of excessive eye rolling, teeth grinding and hours of sitting in a frozen position from the tension. I love this job. And I love caffeine. That order may not be correct but they are attached.

As I have aged this year I have grown closer to my physician, gynecologist, opthamologist, orthopedist and benefits specialist. We are all on a first name basis now. They know all about me, my family and my desire to have my own television and remote. If you don't tell, I do have a little fun now and again. Just when my husband gets settled into a television show IT my change channels, mysteriously. Despite changing it back a time or two it will go to another channel. Well, they did give us two remotes. Got to take it out of the drawer now and again to check the batteries. Anyway.......my OWN tv would rock:-)

The thing that is the hardest is the fact that as my son is older, approaching graduation and wanting to stay busy, while I am having to slow down a bit. A very uncomfortable, frustrating, inconvenient thing. It is all due to aging. A list of attributes that attack simultaneously to force you to retreat to a place unfamiliar. As I have been described to have only two speeds, moving or sleeping, I am finding the latter is taking over as of late. I decided to start a study to see if you can 1. catch up on years of lost sleep, 2. wake refreshed, 3. sleep yourself awake or 4. decide it is ok to sleep. Hmmmmmmm

Ok, so no more whining. I know many of you have by far surpassed me in age, medical provider list, ailments, etc and you are still here, right? I will look to you for advise, learn from your mistakes decisions so I don't make a wrong turn and of course trust that God has some birthday surprises yet to come. God knows the plan He has (Jeremiah 29:11) for me now if I could get a hint/sign/two-by-four clue that would rock!!