My Dreams Realized 100 Times

It is always a very different reality for our family than most may imagine. We have a special (needs) son. I was young once, dreamt of 100 children and being the epitome of the perfect mom serving gourmet meals and sewing matching clothes. Yes, I really had these visions, but remember I had a southern mother who grew up doing this with her Mama for her family and I wanted to do this too. It was a secret of course as it would have taken all of the fun out of my rebellious years if she knew I wanted to be like her.
But one thing has been true in my life, I have No Clue what to expect, planned or unplanned. No control. Sigh! I leave that to the Author. So for me I take the day as it is presented and move that way. So for me, a wonderful husband and a single child who is forced to fulfill my dreams for 100! I say forced lightly as I believe he has dreams for 100 lives so it is a good fit! His world is neither predictable nor dull. He lives for the adventure, could get that from me just sayin.

So we spent the first dozen years discovering him. What makes him tic, favorite characters, songs, clothes, foods, colors and things to do. It was clear, for example, that I was going to share my every waking hour with a purple dinosaur, having 100 songs stuck in my head ready to sing at the drop of a hat. On a positive note by 5 he had learned colors, numbers, days of the week, please and thank you. And that was just the beginning.
We also spent that same dozen years living on the edge of anxiety, up all night, illness, treatments, hospitalizations, emergency rooms, insanity a 100 times telling the same story and having the same tests where I sang the same songs to calm the same precious child with a 100 lives.
It would be a random fact that drove me to the doctors and tests and discoveries that moved us to the second act. Yes my life is a play, or possibly a good movie. In this half we have poured our every drop of energy into making up time leaving no tape behind. Crafts or costumes created almost daily with cardboard, pipe cleaners and tape. As a matter of fact if you ask him what he needs from the store, tape is usually on the list twice. The bleary eyes of days gone by are replaced by eyes that sparkle with imagination, details and inventions.
See it, make it, watch it, act it! We have drums, guitars, a full Oklahoma and Outer Space wardrobe, and art lining the walls of my house. Each creation enters the living room whether in hand or grabber and is presented with full description of the artists work. And it is then taped up on display. Marvelous. Who needs the Smithsonian, I have Master Gates.


Sports, not his favorite always but always willing. And when he won he did it big. Football with a pass and a touch down, basketball with a score in his game as well as in an adjacent game, track running alone or with the entire unified partners and AZ Cardinals mascot. Cheer leading and bowling and bocci and soccer (wore the uniform well). No matter what it was he liked to be present even if he did it 'his way'.
And that creative talent knows no limits. He loves to dance. ballet, hip hop, remix, Up Town Funk and so much more. And do musical ballets, productions. Sign language with or without music, ASL, BSL or GSL (his own language). Karate and photography (he is excellent actually) and art and costume design and story writing and story telling! It is amazing.
It is as if 100 talents have been given to one young man with 100 ideas a day. I am blessed. I never tire of his mind and love to live with and through him. When this gig started 19 years ago I thought how blessed I was 'even though'.....shame on my unbelief. There is no lack to the fulfillment of my dream. And as long as I can be in the plays, or make the costumes, or wear the tutu, or scream loudly at his performance or cry with joy or post a zillion pictures, I am good with my 1 in a 100 gift. I have more than I dreamed of loving every minute and looking forward to the next 100 grand adventures.

Maybe not.....

"Mom I can't wait until next year to go back to Kellis with my friends. They miss me!" And he misses them desperately at times. I see or hear more since the Friendship walk. He misses his brothers and prom date. He thinks if he would visit Kellis they would all be there.

How do you help him understand he will never go back to high school?
How can I help him understand they are graduating and moving on too?

As an only child we have always kept him plugged into groups or activities where he would build friendships. And he has, a zillion acquaintances and several great friends. But his heart aches a bit for that gang of friends he saw five days a week. My heart hurts for him as I try to sound excited about growing up, moving on, keeping in touch at social gatherings. Then it dawns on me, that this is that unfortunate course of life that has left me with the same longing at different stages of my life. I didn't like it either sometimes mourning the loss for some time.

It was my last post, where I felt the 'ouch' in change. I thought he had escaped unscathed but perhaps not. I have seen social circles change in my life as I changed schools, churches, entered relationships, got married, gained new neighbors, added more members to our groups. You become less relevant, moved down the preference list, don't fit the feel or look of the group. I have weathered this time and again as part of life, perhaps Gods way of moving me in a new direction. But it can and has carried a price.

So here is my amazing, charismatic, joyful, loving, happy man feeling alone and a bit lost without his friends. We have activities coming up again, but what do I do for the here and now? He had my iPad today and wrote notes. One wrote back, dependable and true. He stared at the iPad for some time. So I put it away. We are going to check tomorrow.

Thing is, even if we have our get togethers or they write back, how do I help him move on? Or do I let him grieve awhile? My protective mothers heart wants to prevent his suffering but I know it is also a part of life. It is the part I dislike. I have worked diligently for 18 years to keep him protected, surrounded by good people, happy! And he is warming up to his new environment but he has not found that friend, that one that is your pal you bum around with.
Oh I pray he finds that friend or two that will make him feel excited, happy, connected.

In the meantime I hope God will move mountains to unite The Brothers and The Prom Date just long enough to fill his sad heart with contentment and peace.

Reflections

With the New Year has come some reflection on what matters most, what disappoints most and what needs to be moved down the list. This has been a long process but for the first time in a very long time, I have the mental energy to 'pay attention' to the things passing before my eyes so to speak. Some of it is not new while some is revelation in real time.

Friends, I love my friends! But much like days gone by, I realize I have been blinded by my loyal 'forever friends' mentality even when it is not truly shared. Maya Angelou said 'Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option!' Ouch!! I have shared my wisdom with friends and family on the things I have learned from life and yet I am back at this lesson again. I never want to see the motivation of others. I assume they are like me, forever friends or family. Sadly, I SAW some reality this weekend. It kind of hurts, but like some of my relationships from the past, I have to move some folks down the list of priority.

In one circle of long term friends I discovered I suddenly was on the outside. I know it is not intentional, but it is the sands of time that have shifted their priorities and loyalties. The group photo was happening even though we were not in place, which sadder still meant my dear son is now on the outside as well. We are 'history', no longer a part of the things they have in their immediate view.
As I watched the scene, I could see that he sensed it too. He sat at the end, leaned away. He is growing up and has made some new friends, has different things to do. He did not seem too bothered, but also did not desire to stay. Hmmmm. He was happy to say hi to his besties, but as they were pulled aside for other things he was left alone. On a positive note he seemed okay to move on.

I must follow his lead and move on. As a matter of fact, at one defining moment I saw a mom rush to 'beat us to the punch' when we really were not planning to get in the ring. Its a long story. We watched and saw new friendships blooming and we clearly were no longer in the garden.

This sounds sad, and in my current state of mourning it is, but, I also now feel some freedom to step back letting them go so I can focus on those who are still in it for the long haul. That number is much smaller. It is in that number that I find true give and take relationships. It is not all about what they want, need, like, want you to do for them but it is equal in partnership.

We have been rejected and ostracized in the past which at times very confusing and painful to our son. People you would not expect to cast you aside. Probably why this community seemed so perfect for us. We felt certain of our place in the group and even more positive we would always fit in. And for that season we did. We are not outcast in this present situation but simply have become part of the past. We are not relevant. So now I must face the day anew recognizing these new truths and step back from the group to see if it is going to remain a part of our future.

Hard words, tough choices, but in the end positive balance! I have the fondest memories and will treasure them always. I might find a surprise in the journey but for now I can say 'it was a great ride' and prepare for our next great adventure!