What's the Point........

I sit here watching a movie, a docudrama, about poverty, adversity, prejudice, class wars, family struggles, perseverance, dreams, success and I think "What's the point to my life?" It was clear that in this mans life he did not let the stigma of his heritage, economic status, class, social rank, public opinion or family strife stop him from his dream. It almost did, but he realized that it was 'now or never'. The opportunity had presented and if he let it pass it may never come again. He risked it all. He endured mocking, insults and rejection to take the step and he won! He achieved not only his short term goal but that step led to a lifetime of success as well as a true friend. I like this story. Francis Ouimet was not meant to be anybody. He was a poor immigrant stuck in the lower social class, not a gentleman but a laborer. He was born to it, nothing could change it. Even in his success he was not allowed to be paid for it, he was a commoner, not permitted to receive rewards for his accomplishments. It did not stop him.

So here I am at my 'mid-life' point and I am thinking about my life, what's the point? What am I driven to accomplish? What is it I am to be focused on? By societies standard I am doing ok, I am middle class which means I can go anywhere that my VISA limit will cover. I am educated, can spell most words without spellcheck and have the ability to have robust dialogue when opportunities arise.....which means I can give it as good as I get. I even have a wonderful husband and son. I endure personal challenges and pain, health that is increasingly fragile despite my constant denial, I mean exercise. So, purpose anyone? What is my drive, dream, calling? What is to be accomplished with lifes trials and challenges?

Well, I know that in struggles we become dependent. When we run out of our resources we lean on others. When we have goals or dreams we seek out knowledge, support and resources. So in other words helpless, or so it may seem. But in it all being helpless is just another way of admitting that we can not do it all alone. We do not have it all together. That we are needy, broken, messed up and perhaps lost people who need a little nudge or helping hand. Francis Ouimet relied on a little guy named Eddie who became a lifelong best friend. Both in stature and age he seemed like the wrong choice, but in life he was the one that 'had his back', made sure he was a success.

So for today I will ponder what it is that is 'next'. What is it I am going to be driven to pursue, support, develop or participate in? Better yet, what will I be able to do whole heartedly without abandon? What will be the right fit for my life and will make the best use of my gifts or abilities? Hmmmmm I am certain this will be an interesting opportunity. In the meantime I will drink coffee, lots and lots of coffee.

Unified Sports Halftime Homecoming RSK 2013

This high school has set the bar very high for acceptance, inclusion and community. At the home coming half time the Unified Sports Team performed this program. It features some bully kids, treating a student badly. Peers react by 'changing teams', helping the student and standing up for unity! I am often brought to tears when I go to school for events or just to pick up our son and see the number of kids that know him by name, give him the high five and let him know they are looking forward to seeing him again. Now if the rest of the world could get this message, oh what a world it would be! Enjoy. WE LOVE you RSK!!

Age

I could talk a lot about the attributes of aging. After all everyone I know is doing it. But truth be told the attributes often are overshadowed by, well, reality of the rusty bucket aka body we are currently using. You know, the groan here, the pop there. And it would be difficult to include all of the potential exciting changes you could experience. If I work very hard I could soon have a new series of Dr Seuss books ...... 'Oh The Noises I Can Make', or 'One Pill, Two Pill', or even 'Horton Hears a What'd You Say'? I always wondered why did they stop the series of What To Expect When You have Toddlers at such a young age. I think there is a lot of untapped expertise that could hit the print. i am just saying.

As I wake early every morning I am grateful that well....I am awake, my bed isn't wet and I still remember my name. Don't delve any deeper at this age as slight discrepancies may be noted. I could skip breakfast as I am usually full after the morning meds. LOL Lets get an add for that eating plan. Once I load dose on the coffee I am ready for, a shower. Can't rush a good thing.

Once the cacophony of sound subsides I am ready to start the day. I am sorry, you thought I was already there. Not so much. But NOW I am ready to get dressed, pack the lunches, prepare for a day of adventures and surprises. WORK, I am talking about work. Never know from one day to the next what project, process or crisis will arise. This may all require more coffee, meds and relaxation exercises most often the result of excessive eye rolling, teeth grinding and hours of sitting in a frozen position from the tension. I love this job. And I love caffeine. That order may not be correct but they are attached.

As I have aged this year I have grown closer to my physician, gynecologist, opthamologist, orthopedist and benefits specialist. We are all on a first name basis now. They know all about me, my family and my desire to have my own television and remote. If you don't tell, I do have a little fun now and again. Just when my husband gets settled into a television show IT my change channels, mysteriously. Despite changing it back a time or two it will go to another channel. Well, they did give us two remotes. Got to take it out of the drawer now and again to check the batteries. Anyway.......my OWN tv would rock:-)

The thing that is the hardest is the fact that as my son is older, approaching graduation and wanting to stay busy, while I am having to slow down a bit. A very uncomfortable, frustrating, inconvenient thing. It is all due to aging. A list of attributes that attack simultaneously to force you to retreat to a place unfamiliar. As I have been described to have only two speeds, moving or sleeping, I am finding the latter is taking over as of late. I decided to start a study to see if you can 1. catch up on years of lost sleep, 2. wake refreshed, 3. sleep yourself awake or 4. decide it is ok to sleep. Hmmmmmmm

Ok, so no more whining. I know many of you have by far surpassed me in age, medical provider list, ailments, etc and you are still here, right? I will look to you for advise, learn from your mistakes decisions so I don't make a wrong turn and of course trust that God has some birthday surprises yet to come. God knows the plan He has (Jeremiah 29:11) for me now if I could get a hint/sign/two-by-four clue that would rock!!

Remembering Daniel.....Laughter

Where does the time go? All kinds of life is going on and 'The footprint of Daniel' is everywhere. I smile as I think about his having a niece and nephew, how he would be silly with them and not care. I was just watching video of him letting young Cody knock him over and giggle. He would sit up and do it again. Laughter! I think about his bestie Sam married and on some exotic couples vacation with a beach and a pub. I can see him snorkeling and likely terrifying any number of creatures. Laughter. I think about his other bestie buying a house and getting married all while continuing to parent the little  cute puppy. I hear jokes and laughter.
I find that as I miss him I also find he is very close and I think often he is laughing! He had fun in everything no matter what it was. He found the right attitude for his life, and I am forever grateful for that. And I will always hear his laughter. Love always, Aunt Doodley

Unexpected Segway

I love the thought that all roads lead to fun and adventure. I am a human though, so unlike my favorite canines, I am acutely aware that not all roads are fun despite the 'adventure' I embark on. What does make life 'worth it all' is the work we get to do along the way and the people who stand beside us.



FACT: work is a four letter word, often associated with harsh labor, inferior pay, lack of kudos.

QUESTION: Is that really what work is? Is all work bad? The words we use for 'work' may not be fully defined in our tiny view. Lets review.....

Hiking over a mile uphill with 50 pounds of winter camping gear so that you can be the first girl scout to camp in the snow.

Cooking and washing dishes to earn money.....for a first car.

Marching 6 days in a row for months to prepare for an international band trip to Europe.

Studying with crazy people and pots (fields) of coffee over the course of years all kinds of hours to become a nurse.

Flying more than 24 hours each way to teach hygiene and participate in crusades in India.

Fighting a sailfish and marlin for hours to reel them in.

Wooing a great man for weeks with spaghetti, chocolate and feminine whiles.

Planning a wedding including the travel plans, reservations and house sitter.

Waiting and waiting for a boy to be born who had to be delivered...I think against his will.

Rocking all night for days on end for years on end holding someone who depended on me.

Searching for the right doctors, the right schools, the right therapists, the right friends for a special son.

Watching life pass by at light speed with my son growing up and needing me less.

Waiting for the next phase.

Hoping for a clear vision and excellent hearing as I search the heavens.

Trusting that even when I am no longer here someone will continue the work.

Resting in hands so much stronger than mine.

I am thinking not all work is bad, or for not. I am also thinking I might actually like a lot of the things that might sound bad to the casual reader. I will probably choose to continue some of them, as a matter of fact. So I guess I need to say, "More later folks, I have work to do!"

Just when I think I know more...............

I realize that either......

1. The information has changed
2. The situation has changed
3. I am no longer interested in the situation
4. I don't remember the situation or that I ever had an interest in one or.......



Perhaps I should have left a trail of bread crumbs down this path. I am reflecting on the past few (24) months of work. In a huge, enormous, gargantuan organization every change is met with one of two basic responses. Both come with a need to defend their position and it is here I often find my eyes glazing over. I already know who is in and who is not. I also already know how each one navigates life at work. I am often not surprised. That's okay, as I continue to move forward in any case. I am vested in the goals I have been given. I will move my team with or without tantrums and tissue.

Every once in awhile I allow myself to pretend my life has calmed down, fallen into place or that I have moved on only to discover that I am really standing on a pink colored square with a gum drop in the middle all in the real life game of Candy Land! Then I realize I have to draw a card to see how many squares I am moving next? Not only was that an incredibly long sentence it is the reality of what happens when we take for granted that we are not in control of the calendar of life. I expect at anytime I will complete the rainbow colored journey down this candy laden sidewalk and jump onto the next board game. I HOPE it is not Chutes and Ladders as I am proficient at slides!!

I like it, build and design. I think it is what keeps me on my toes though. Like a soldier or girl scout, I have to be prepared for what is next, learn what the new rules will be and let go of the old rules. I have to be prepared for the next project, the next crisis, the next set of tires for the car. And there it is, the conundrum I face daily as I try to mentor or direct others in the Game of Change. Hmmmm that could be a great game. They are not all soldiers or girl scouts!! History can be our best or worst friend when it comes to change. We learn from it or get stuck in it. Some people wear it like a yolk and it becomes a heavy burden for them, preventing them from making any advances unless they are hooked up to a full team of oxen and dragged across the time space continuum. They are never letting go, ever, no! Others see it as an adventure, energized by something new and bored if it doesn't happen often or fast enough. They can go with the flow, Se la vie. They want to go, go, go. Getting them to wait for the others is like an aerobic strength training program.

But those same qualities, as diverse as they are, can present quite different strengths/weaknesses in other situations. Relationships for example. You want the tenacious, committed, made a promise, keeping a promise kind of spouse. It would take a team of oxen to get them to say the word 'leave' or to give up. While that adventurous and bored critter, you know A.D.D. dude will have an impossible time finding peace in a committed relationship. They will always be looking for the greener grass, someone to satisfy their needs, someone to make them feel something new or different, as opposed to them doing for others. These are true whether it is a romantic or platonic relationships. These characteristics tend to be true in the relationships no matter where they exist.

So how do you balance the good and the bad side of mankind? Thank GOD there is a great instruction manual. It has great examples of the ideal person; aggressive, tenacious, committed, steadfast in any situation. They were in debt, distress, unhappy with current situations BUT they were willing and able to take giant steps, make quick changes for any situation while remaining faithful, to the death! Their promise was their bond. Their flexibility let them face any situation, whether that meant prison, a lion or 600 soldiers. They didn't even complain, they looked it in the face (or tail in the case of the lion) and said 'charge'! The end. No whining, no backing out, no gossip or looking for another card deeper in the game deck. No waiting for everyone to take care of them, fix their food, decorate their village. They could handle going backwards a couple steps or forward a dozen. That is the ideal mindset for the ideal employee, friend, mate.

Needless to say, I have to play a few board games to get them to grow. Trust is key to get to the next step. Once they trust a leader or spouse then they can move forward even without all the details, without all the facts, without all the gain reports. They can just move and take the next step.....as it comes. And eventually they can learn to see the steps as opportunity rather than opposition, the command as fortune rather than oppression. That is what the brave examples demonstrated. They did not have all the facts, they did not have the reward info, they did not have all the preferred tools in their favorite colors, they did not even know for sure the what or why. BUT they did it, and were rewarded, and they made a positive difference for their community. It was not about I but about all! My plan for next week:

1. Lose list of complaints
2. Glance on each of them as if for the first time
3. Smile as I anticipate growth Sigh with contentment even for the slightest
change
4. Do it again every day

I am so Excited...................

........he said as he ran, sprinted actually, past me to the bus. First day of school, senior year, 12th grade. "I get to see my friends, and go to program and be with my brothers Isaiah and Kaleb. I can't wait!" He spoke at the speed of light but fortunately his father and I are used to speed hearing. We smiled, waived until the bus was out of site and went back inside the house. I love that he loves school, and has friends. I love that he loves his teachers. And they love him! Great stuff. It seems like a million years ago that he started pre-school at the Foundation for Blind Children. A small, reluctant........better 'resistant' student. He liked everything about school then ......except noise, people, therapy, activities and staying awake. Then he entered public school.

This was an enormous stretch for us after they booted us from the foundation. Well, booted is strong, forced departure seem too strong? Ok, there are rules, he was five, but really, would one year hurt? What I am implying is we had to leave and we did not want to. It took us two years to learn to trust the strangers who had charge of our son. And now that we did trust FBC we had to start all over. And instead of 100 students there were 800. And there were bigger kids, and stereos, and truants. UGH! We were fairly excited once we went through the process. And it is quite a process when you have a special child......not that they are not all special, but one that needs a bit more. There is the testing where they determine what the IQ is and they sit in a circle to tell you what all is wrong with your child. I was devastated that first meeting. I was told my son was slightly more intelligent than a stone, had sub-performance in 100% of the assessments and he might benefit from medications. I am serious, this was the summary with smiles and happy tones from all. Did I say I screamed? Hmmmm, I know I wanted to. Oh wait, it was silent in the room, tears in the car and anger when I got home. Then it was OK. You see I knew he was able to much more than he did that day, he simply did not want to do it for THEM. And I knew he did not need any medication, but I could make recommendations for medication and social skills training for THEM. We finally got to meet the teachers. They seemed good. The class we wanted him in turned out to be the wrong place. NOTE TO SELF: Make sure the 'special ed' teacher really wants to work with developmentally disabled children, not just slow readers. By the end of week two of school, ten straight days of crying (both of us), we called a meeting and moved him to a different class. Wonderful choice.

Not only did he do better in the second class but he made friends that he still has today. He is still in school and activities with several of them. This was a great boon as when he moved up to the next grades and then to a second school, familiar people ........."friends" were with him. His extended family stayed with him. Then there came high school "You have got to be kidding me!" I said as they told me there would be 2000 students more or less. No. That is not going to happen. Hmmmmmmm. I didn't really care who had gone there before, not my boy. Faste Forward Three Years! .......Well, here it is. A senior, 12th grade, graduating with a world looming that is bigger than 2000. Questions from the freaked out mom include; Can God really keep an eye on him in the world? Will God still be able to bring the right people to care for him? Will God protect him and be there always? Is there really enough Xanax to keep me calm for the next 20 to 30 years?

We have been blessed with wonderful friends, a supportive community and great memories. As he turns 17, starts the last leg of high school we celebrated the joy that is Cody.

Count Down ..........

It is amazing how fast time flies when I am distracted. So I am thinking part of it is that I am plagued by thoughts of the "next" things. Have you ever been there? It is overwhelming to think not only about where you have been and how far you have come, but even more about where you are about to go! I could say the abyss, but that sounds dark. I will tell you it is certainly a mystery in some ways. Because others have gone ahead of us it is not completely unknown, but it is unknown to ME! And today it is all about me. LOL!

4 days to 22. A marriage miracle! We have lasted longer than national and global averages, and still like each other. I think that is marvelous. I have talked to many that are married but have not desire to be. They do it for the kids, the house, the dogs, the pride. We are just doing cause we want to. Sweet!

8 days to 12. This is the most shocking number. Baby is in 12th grade. A senior, an upper class-men, a cool dude well known and having a gas everyday. He loves life, school, friends, teachers, learning. He is fun. He is happy. He is inspiring. He is the Code Man!

10 days to 17! That's right, in 10 days baby will be 17! My adorable, little chili bean is now a man child with facial hair and girl friend(s) and he no longer needs to hug me goodbye or hello or just because. I ask for a hug and I get it but...........it is clearly no longer his first thought.

152 days (give or take) to 28. Indeed. 27nieces, nephew, great nieces, great nephews and the mystery #28 to arrive this winter. I am so blessed with a lovely clan from both sides and wish all of them could come over for a pb and j or steak. LOL!

And well there are other numbers of days that are interesting and meaningful to me:

19, 293 days since the beginning..........if you said 'of time' I will have to hurt you. If you said since my glorious birth you are right on time. It is only 65 days until I get to celebrate yet another day (year) passing. I can count on a communities hands the number of days since I became a believer.... 12002, the number of days since I was married .....8033 and 6200 days since I became a mother......and a mere 1429 days since I started throwing my thoughts into the cyber wind!

I hope this day is special to you. After all, our days and even the hairs on our head are numbered!!! What number are you?

Job14:5, Psalm 39:4, Matthew 10:30

're' Change

Some people really like change. Some people find it refreshing, renewing, rejuvinating, regenerating, recharging. They find it 're' something positive. I find I become resigned, resistant, reclusive and eventually retreat. My 're' is often NEGATIVE. You might not know this about me right away. This extroverted, perky, immature and spontaneous girl does not like change.

Growing up we moved frequently as a result of our wonderful life in the military. I saw the land, and the land was good. BUT, I never could count on what I learned today, that it would be right tomorrow. In The Karate Kid, Daniel moved to a distant land and suddenly went from being the cool kid to the outsider. Inability to communicate aside, he was different and did not know what was expected, how to speak, how to act, how to relate. Another 're' word, relate. Hmmmm

I enjoyed my gypsy life, but as I have grown older, had life happen, I have found that waking up in the same place everyday has advantages. Some of the things I have become very sensitive and attached to include:

Predictability - Knowing certain things happen a certain way, at a certain time, in a certain way. Knowing the Circle K girls will know my name, will hug my son, will order our Cracker Barrel Sharp Cheddar Cheese.

Stability - Knowing each of our neighbors and friends long enough and well enough to know who we would let watch our son, and who prepares their food in a way that does not draw a citation from the state department.

Reliability - Knowing at a drop of a hat I have a friend who day or night has tested true, been there for the long haul and will care for me or my family without expecting anything or taking anything. There when they promise, first time, every time.

Continuity - Knowing that Cody will get or have what he needs as long as he needs it, translating those support measures from one age to the next. Knowing that he can dance no matter what.

Comfort - Knowing that we will be given hugs, baked goods, errands, prayers and any number of services in our moment of need. Knowing what we need is what matters right now. Knowing that we are supported as life happens. Even better being able to pay it back or pay it forward.

Depth - Knowing that not only will I have the opportunity to see the real needs of neighbors, family and friends, but they will have the same opportunity. What matters most rather than what matters in the moment.

Safety - Every noise, every light, every space brings the ability to feel safe. Living in an area where the saying "I got your back' means something very personal. And they mean it.

So why so retrospective you wonder. It could be a 'cycle thing', which causes me to have hostile thoughts every time I hear it. Could it be the gravitational pull of the moon. Maybe, but having worked in a mental health unit I can tell you A. that is factual and B. you would be implying I am not just in denial but in need of medication. Kindly consider where you want to go with that.

No, it is change. Change of the worst and best kind. Change that makes my heart hurt yet is attached to promise. Our beloved Miss Caroline, dance teacher, best friend and overall  'constant' in support, hope, presence, promise and inspiration is moving away. She is leaving Arizona and venturing to California. We will be lost for a long time.

For Caroline and the special needs community in California, there is only promise. And for that I am grateful that she has an opportunity to create what we had hoped for here. It takes vision, creativity, thinking outside the box. She is gifted at them all. She looks at our kids and sees dancing. She walks around wheelchairs and braces and blindness to show them how to twirl. Nothing too hard, nothing too impossible. So very few really see what a typical child is able to accomplish let alone what those with challenges can do, WILL do.

Oh sure, we have made some wonderful friends that we will have forever most likely. I am grateful for them as we understand each other, we are in the same dance slippers so to speak. But few have reached so passionately to take hold of our children's hands and draw them into the typical world. Most glance and walk by, or even away. Not Miss Caroline, she has seen the inner dancer in us all. And she has allowed us to see hers. You indeed are a true friend.

Thank you Miss Caroline! We love you always! He is looking for you already. xoxo

Fathers'

Whether you know yours or not, you have one. I have many friends who do not have good memories or relationships with theirs. They are estranged. When they talk of their father it is often with an abrupt statement or closed body language. There is evidently hurt for that loss; loss of time, loss of history, loss of guidance, loss of approval, loss of love. It is indeed a death. A part of them is lost and they can not find the 'filler' to complete or fill that empty space.

Then I have some who are still close to their fathers or at least have a relationship. They can tell stories, they can complain, brag, cry, laugh or roll their eyes as they recall a moment or event. Indeed, whether it is positive or negative, it 'is' and they are connected.

I have watched fathers. It is actually a great past time for me. There is something about a father who is present. You know what I mean. They see their child, they know what makes them tick, they understand them. And that electricity is captured in the response of that child. It is magnetic. They cling to them, their words, their actions, their spirit. They want to be with them, to be like them. That is the prize for every father I think, that their children strive to follow in their footsteps.

And as fathers, the opportunity is fleeting, a once in a lifetime experience, literally! The moment is here today, gone tomorrow. Like that famous song, you know, cats in cradles eating from silvers spoons or some such. Before we know it the kid is grown up, gone and a father, while their dad is still listening to old Roger Miller records and burning the midnight oil. Every moment counts, and every moment is gone in a flash, never to be captured again. All the more reason to be certain that you are walking a straight path, one that is safe, righteous, true. You do not want to lead your children down a road that causes them to fall or stumble, but to be successful. Those that make the most of those moments will provide a lifetime of treasure to their child, a toolkit to survive in any situation.

So, on this father's day I pay a tribute to the 'fathers' in my world. I have seen some awesome examples of those who wear the title of 'Father'. Some are VERY seasoned, and I do mean old as well as experienced. Some are just now setting out on the journey. In either case, they 'are' fathers' who are making a difference in their world.

A Father's love is handed down from one generation to the next.

 It may be in a gentle spirit, a quiet smile, patience....in giving the gift of time.

A father's love is evident in action, words, and presence.

It is stopping the madness to sing, dance or hang out, doing whatever it is that needs to be done.

A father's love is shown in the pride he takes in his children, the joy in their accomplishments.

A closet full of memories and boxes full of photos ready to be shared at a moments notice.

A father's love is evident in the celebration of new life and excitement for the milestones met.

It is in the joy of a new family, reading everything he can and gaining hope for the years to come.

A father's love speaks loud and clear in the quiet thrill of seeing a picture of your unborn son

and waiting anxiously for his arrival.

It is transparent in the tweets and posts that show the anticipation for the days ahead.

A father's love is obvious in the freedom to just 'be' whatever it is that his son needs him to be.

It is playing with silly string or wearing a handmade mustache. It is playing, uninhibited!

 

These are traits of some remarkable fathers. I am so proud of the commitment to their families.

But the Gold Standard in my life remains my father. Truly, in all my years I do not have a single bad memory or misstep. He never missed a beat. He smiled, laughed, joked, played, dreamt, DID just about everything we could possibly throw his way. He loved it! Whether rescuing your finger from a man eating lizard to teaching you to build and fly radio control airplanes to sitting in an arena full of screaming teens waiting to see The Osmond's, he did it all. AND he enjoyed it. He genuinely wanted to be there....if he didn't we will never know! He even told stories about it years after, adding a detail or two, but reliving it with us over and over. It mattered. We mattered!

And for that I am eternally grateful.  

 

We indeed had the BEST FATHER and it is with confidence I am certain he is celebrating the most remarkable Fathers day of all. Thank you dad for always being there. For loving us unconditionally. For making every day an adventure. For making us feel special, loved, wonderful! Thank you dad!

 I love you always.