Well That's All Folks

Eight years ago I started this therapeutic blog. It was an outlet for a time when I was isolated and lonely following a serious car accident on June 5, 2009. My body and mind suffered through years of missed work, pain, surgeries and more. I have come out stronger because of God's grace and by practicing patience. Yes it is a learned skill, and yes, it CAN be learned......with lots of practice.

It has allowed me to chat mindlessly, tell stories, cry a little, reflect a lot, share memories and even be a bit philosophical. I never did it for an audience though at times I had some great interest in a few posts. Like any good book, it feels that I have reached the epilogue. And that is OK.

I have enjoyed the opportunity to think out loud, so to speak, but truth be told I am a vapor in the wind. I really do understand that more than some. First, I am a mortal created being and will return to dust one day, if I am not raptured. Second, I have a beautiful full life (would not change one thing) but no one to inherit my story. And that's OK. It is fitting that I fade into the (Hollywood backdrop) sunset.

I have the joy of celebrating the journey of all my wonderful nieces and nephews as well as our dear extended forever family of friends who are making the most wonderful stories to carry on in their families. It is such a privilege to be a part of that and they have brought countless hours of joy to our family. This life is amazing.

So to those who might wander onto this blog, that is the story and I am sticking with it. It is a happy tale filled with moments of tragedy and evidence of the fabric of our incredible family.

I leave you with my favorite verse, one I repeat many times a day;

Jude 24-25
24 To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— 25 to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

Holiday Baking - Why wait .....start now!

Gluten Free Friendship Bread

It's that time of year when the temperatures are cooling, the colors are changing and the football sounds are everywhere! When you think of the holidays it is warm, yummy treats, fresh breads and cookies. One of my all time favorites is my Gluten Free Friendship Bread.

I think you will enjoy these wonderful recipes and may be inspired to throw in your own favorite add ins. Be creative, add your choice of flavored baking chips, nuts and fruits. So many flavors with so little time.

Enjoy every bite and share your personal bests.

A Cacophony of Sound

I love big words! This one has always made perfect sense to the noise in my head, the sound in my home and the increasing volume of the globe. Ok, that sounds really crazy, but seriously, is anyone NOT expressing a thought? LOL Exactly, so I am adding my little tap tap to the symphony of madness.

I find myself conflicted in so many ways now when  I come to September. There is the joy of birthdays (Happy Birthday to my sister, nephew, cousins, niece, son of another mother, best friends) that reminds me of singing, laughing, cake, games, dancing, cake, really lots of fun! We gather, call, write, email, text, eat out, gather in. It is a wonderful time to share the meaning of their life to US and to those they touch. Amazing times. Oh yes, there will be pictures so that we can remember those great celebrations when we are old. And if we are wise we have written a name and year at a minimum on the file so we will remember a morsel of that fantastic day.

Then there is  sorrow. The loss of those we love brings so much heartache ( Missing my 5 babies, parents, father-in-law, nephew, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and colleagues) that all I hear is crying, grief, utter sadness of the heart but which rolls into story telling, memories, laughing, hugging. Then there is the food to comfort, share, break bread together and cake. Of course there will be pictures as truth be told we only look this good three times in life; the wedding, someone else funeral and our own funeral. Sad fact for many, and certainly an improvement for some. Then these become memories that are less painful with time though never absent.



But the most distracting is the noise of the globe, it is disturbing. Terror such as 9/11, Paris, Africa, Oklahoma, shootings, nuclear weapons and so much more. For a brief moment as the planet gasps it causes deafening silence, then erupts into screams much like the effects of the storms that have plagued the nations. The eye of the storm is silent as if all the air and breath is gone then it is forced out and takes everything with it. It brings a chaos to the noise and causes the most horrific internal conflicts. Is it fear, hate, anger, rage, anxiety, all with voices telling you 1 million things to do or think. You find yourself struggling to hear clearly the who, what, why, where. blah, blah, blah!!



It is more important than ever and likely why it is more challenging than ever to go into the closet! Find that one space where you can stop the insanity, hear your breath and your God. It is no wonder we have a world in rebellion, wandering the desert, running toward the blinking lights, they can no longer hear. There is simply too much noise, too much distraction, too much! But in that closet, the one with the door, no television, no children, phones, etc., it is in there that you may hear Gods still small voice, His gentle whisper, His affectionate words. It is when we stop, then we are renewed, refreshed and released to face that noised filled world with confidence and direction. We can think because we have heard. It is wonderful.

Travel America

I grew up in the days of long car rides, sleeping on each others shoulders (or laps), slobber and windows! You know, the clear glass thingies on the doors with the changing screen savers aka scenery. Scenery So I loaded my boy in the car, he loves to travel, and we were on our way.

We enjoyed seeing everyone along the way and did so many fun things. What a great trip for us as we will certainly re-live the moments for a very long time. It is such a joy to spend time with family, catch up and share hugs (and coffee). I have a full heart and am blessed to see all the additions to our family as well as to see how much older everyone looks.......lol! Ok, grown up will do I guess.

Some of our great fun included climbing mountains and drinking some healing spring waters that I am fairly sure will kill all bacteria or any form of life (nasty);  the longest road trip to a hotel (are we there yet began 45 minutes in to a 7 hour day); cooking out in the dead of winter surrounded by elk, moose and a stray pointer hunting down our meats; chasing critters into dens on the farm; playing a rather disturbing game requiring a mouthpiece and adult diapers (don't judge me); watching fish throw themselves out of the water; seeing dinos literally being dug out of the fields of ash in the middle of no where; collecting baby spittle from three states; attending an olympic stair climbing event; seeing a great game and stellar pitching; and sooooo much more. I am sure Cody has his list as well but I bet it is close!

I also saw another side of dogs, poor things. They hunt cooked elk, mounted deer, invisible balls, giant balloons and so much more. I cant say for sure, but it could be that they are not QUITE as intelligent as we have thought. BUT they were all the most affectionate by far literally demanding lap space despite their 'portly' build or size. It is all good, nothing like a little dog hair and slobber to make every day complete. And there were cats, you know.

The scenery, clouds, sunrise/sets, long drives, dueling vocals and time of rest gave me renewed vigor for getting back to work. Driving clears my brain especially in the uncluttered midwest. I am completely diverted by the country and the history it has to tell about the growth of our country. I could spend hours just looking at old homesteads, cars, silos and other country buildings that are really in their final hour. I wonder what story goes with each one and am genuinely sad at the thought of it being erased from our sight and minds. Rather like we see happening with other things, out of sight out of mind. I get carried away at what life was like there, how they lived, how they survived. Can you just imagine?

Anyway, Just a fantastic start to the summer and a gift to us to have time with those we love, and many drove hours to see us. Totally humbled to be a part of this family. I am sure there will be many stories. I will look forward to them all. In the meantime here are a few of the pictures from our Roadtrip 2017

Intentional

I am asked every day what makes me happy, how do I keep a positive outlook, doesn't anything get to you?

Of course. I get frustrated, occasionally angry. BUT, I am genuinely grateful for each day. I choose to see good. I am gifted with optimism. I want to make a difference, help, serve. Probably the very foundation of my calling and career choice. And I try to live an intentional life.
There is very little chaos in your life that can't be avoided or endured if you pause, pray then proceed. When I do that peace saturates every situation. When I don't, yikes! This is true whether it is personal, family, work, grocery shopping, online bill paying, eternal waiting on customer service calls, morning commute, etc.
You have all seen the difference, if you truly reflect on situations in your own life. Things will still happen, bad things to the 'good' if there is such a person, harm to the innocent, undesired results. But, the response to each directly reflects where your putting your trust. If your trust is in man you will be gravely disappointed 100% of the time. They might get it mostly right but there will always be room for improvement, things that could be better, that one more dot of an 'i' or cross of a 't'.
But, if you trust in the One who designed you, the coffee bean and the the universe, you will never be in fear. You can't worry about the process if God is in the drivers seat. It is that simple. So whether it is getting a new pet, losing a job, buying a house if you give it to Him He will lead you.
I often think life's journey feels like the song that goes 'Over the river and through the woods to................we go' He may move you around, thru or even back but He will move you. Just give it to Him.

jlg5/17(c)
Jude 24-25

Ballet, Bowling and Best Friends

As always we are enjoying every second of this life we have been given. A trip to Seattle was most needed to see our dear friend Aunt Cathy. 95 this year and as kind and joyful as always. She is in a fantastic retirement community in Redmond, Washington. We enjoyed visits and a trip to Pikes Place Fishmarket. We didn't get to see them throw fish but the fish we saw had a look about them, their eyes glaring at you. I enjoyed Land Shark thank you very much. Cody remarked many times that it was a good trip but 'it is so very cold here!' Indeed!!!

Upon return Cody took his 3rd ballet exam through the Royal Academy of Dance (RAD) and he was so excited. He takes the typical test given to all aspiring ballet dancers going through their training. He is the first differently abled young man to do so for the 3rd year. We are so proud. He loves to dance for fun and has gotten to teach a few classes. He thinks that is great!

Bowling and football happened with Special Olympics before our trip. A 4th place for Bowling with One Step Beyond and a GOLD with City of Peoria Flag Football team. Great times with our extended forever family of friends. He was so proud of himself and he really did enjoy spending time with his teams.

We are always so happy for calls, visits, letters (paper, pens, stamps), FaceTime, text messages, pictures, visits. So thank you all for keeping my phone at max capacity. Love it!!! And of course we laugh a lot at our house. We never know quite what our creative young man will do next. You open his door to find a robot, cowboy, dinosaur, radio, DJ, mariachi, drummer, well you get it.

Of course friends and extended family are always the big focus for Cody. Picnics, movies, parties and yogurt seem to be involved in most activities. And they love to laugh, dance, joke and celebrate every event together through the year. We seem to have get togethers at least once month or more. That is always so much fun. It is my happy place. There is a bond that is unique to those with like circumstances. It is good.

I am not even sure exactly how the time passes as it does. It is like lightening speed. I don't understand that actually, as when you get older you generally slow down but time speeds up. A question for God when I get to it. I will have many, but then again maybe not. I will arrive and likely forget all my worldly, earthly musings and frustrations. My eyes will be fixed on the bright, pure light and colors of glory that I can only dream about. Have you ever thought about it, what it is you think seeing heaven and the One who paid your admission is going to be like? Think about that for a minute. I listen often to people who say things like it will be a great party, swilling brew, meeting all the partiers, etc. That actually confuses me, even concerns me a bit.

I think it will be glorious, celebratory, real wine, singing, dancing. But I don't see drunkenness, debauchery, or foul things. I think it will be a different party all together than those of my youth. It is one I want to be at. I want to be made perfect, whole, the right size, good hair, no glasses, part of the celebration, my eyes fixed on the One who planned it. And He promised I will be there because I chose to follow Him. Really the basic tenet of the entire Bible. I didn't always understand that. Religion, peer pressure, misguided prophets, New Age, hippies, lyrics, movies, books and so much more tell a million different stories. Versions that are like Disney or Pixar movies, lots of colorful dots but little to no truth.

I have lots of people in my life who are led by shadows, half truths or complete lies. Things always sound so good when you are in the moment. But this life is speeding by, a flash, and in a blink of an eye it will be over. OK now, try it. Blink! Over! That is how fast it will end and we will forever be at that eternal celebration or we won't. And those who aren't, who have refused to follow, who have said no, that fate is not good. It is not a party, friends won't be swilling a brew or dancing. They will be crying out for relief, or eternally cursing the One who offered them everything and they still said no. It makes me so sad, genuinely heartache sad. I don't want anyone to make that choice or waste a minute.

You don't have to be afraid to say yes. It's easy, Cody did it! Essentially the question is do you trust Him? After all He did create the universe, trees, coffee, chocolate, you! You won't become weird, unless you already are. You won't miss anything, you won't be alone. I was worried it would mean I would be bored, have to wear a hood, or a dress, or give up good music. But no, none of that. I realized I had someone I could trust, to help me make the right decisions, something I really was bad at. And I still make mistakes. It may surprise some of you but I am NOT perfect.......yet. That will happen the day I arrive at my forever home. In the meantime I will continue to fail, annoy, mess up. But hopefully I will do it a little less each day.

Cody is excited for Heaven so he can see his grandparents, friends, cousins and to be able to see them without glasses. Oh and he is excited he won't have to deal with pimples. I am excited to wear a size 2 something I never wore I am fairly sure. Mostly I just want to sit at His feet and try to understand why He thought I was worth all that suffering, humiliation, cruelty, mocking and other horrors that led to His death. To think that Jesus cared enough, not just for 'all' of us but for 'each' of us, to die for us and pay for the many mistakes and horrible things we each have done. Most days I just can't wrap my head around that. That is better than the bestest of friends. But as I said before, I just need to follow. That is all. He has the rest.

I hope you have a beautiful day, whatever day it is you read this. We are grateful everyday for each of you. Its true. So for now I say so long. See you here, there or in the air!

Jude 24-25

Celebrations

Life tends to speed by. Hours turn to years in a nano second. One day you are dreaming of the future and the next you are trying to remember the past. Sounds very deep but the truth is that we are never able to predict what will be great or what will fail. What we do know is that we have today, the right here and now. And that is a gift, a present. We must be thankful for this moment and celebrate.

Today it is a birthday, but in all actuality it is a family, a lifetime. What would we be doing if? What would be different if? How, where, when, who and what would I be thinking about at this exact moment if even ONE thing had been different? When you sit around your table, your office, your church, who would be there, who would you know, what would you be doing?

That is a lot to think about. So I go back to a little girl who grew up moving all over and one day landed in the frozen tundra. Ok it was South Dakota but the last year I was there it was the Antarctica! So I packed the Omni and drove as far south as I could. Warm, sunny, new life.

And the journey in my new state began. I met many people at work and shared living space with dear friends, enjoyed life and the adventures that came with their beautiful children. I never would have inherited the love and joys of my nieces and nephew had that move from winter not occurred. They are a great gift.

Through work I found some great motivation and went to school, over and over again. All of that led to a fantastic job surrounded by some of the most amazing leaders and educators in health care. Having been in health care in some capacity for more than 40 years I can say I am an expert in this. This has also permitted me to do things I love as I grow, share, mentor. What a great gift.

Then there is church. I visited a couple that, well, quite frankly terrified me. One we actually bolted from as soon as they unlocked the doors at the end of the service. That is not an exaggeration. But I landed in a great church, met wonderful friends and continued to discover the who and what I should be. I was even able to go to the land of my dreams, India, on a mission with an amazing teacher and friend. I consider the folks I met as friends. Even though it has been a long time ago it feels like yesterday. The memory of that trip continues to impact my life and my global view.

In the midst of greatness comes tragedy sometimes, and that was what it felt like to have a church crisis. In the process I felt I needed to move on. I felt a bit lost, but a couple of churches later I would land in a gym in a school. Small church, great teacher, and a handsome man walking through the rows of chairs. I confess, I admired him from afar for a bit but when we moved into our current church building we met, and the rest as they say, is history!

A few brownies, Christmas caroling night and one long, long phone call later we were a thing. And just 4 more weeks we were engaged. Who knew that all of those moves, changes, difficult things would lead to a 26 year marriage? I am certain only God. And so here we are, this picture of happiness, on his birthday. We have had serious heartache, loss, joy and adventure to get to this day. We would not have imagined this life on our wedding day let alone when we were kids.

We would not have thought some of the things we endured would be necessary, bearable or beneficial. But indeed, it has all been necessary for today's story. If even ONE thing had been different we may not have met. If even ONE thing was different we may not have had our son. If even ONE thing had been different we may not have found the doctors or teachers or support to help our family. If even ONE thing was different we may not be alive! ONE thing!

So for this moment, today, we celebrate a birthday. But we also celebrate a lifetime of choices, circumstances, surprises, adventures, accidents, mistakes, heartaches, joys and more that gave us the gift of today. Happy Birthday to my husband, friend, encourager, and devoted father to our beautiful son. Grateful you were sent into the world on a collision course with me. Here's to the next grand surprise.

On The Road Again...........

My life has continued to becoming more! More able, more active, more talkative, more! And I have energy to DO things. While I was always forcing myself in the past few years, now I eagerly do them.

- I have attended a three day conference with my colleagues, who likely were beginning to think I did not exist but was merely a recorded voice. LOL It was fantastic to be in the room, talk to others and see their beautiful wonderful smiles. I love my team. They have been supportive and positive and willing to help me. What a gift.
- And I went to Tucson twice. Once for a summit with our entire team and once to meet the department leaders and see the sister facilities. It was wonderful to meet these extended teams and see what their world of work looks like. It helps make sense of the day to day things and how change impacts them.
- I danced, without pause. Ok it was the Hokey Pokey but that is a lot of putting stuff in and taking it back out. And mine all went along. LOL We laughed, the moms having far more fun than the kids. I have always loved this group and am grateful for the love I have from them. They have been solid for the last few years in keeping Cody and I in step.
- I went to watch Cody perform at the GCU basketball game and wished I was in the lower seating levels to act completely inappropriate for my age. What a great powerhouse of team spirit. It was energizing. And Cody's dance crew received rave applause. They rocked it. I have the clip from my view which is still fun!.

One Step Beyond performing at the GCU Halftime

I have learned so much from this journey that will have a big impact on how I look at some of my patients and friends. Things from my observations include:

- Those who are paralyzed can be viewed as apathetic, disengaged, non compliant. What I can tell you is that when your neuro system is not working, you ARE apathetic, disengaged and so you CANT make yourself do some things. It is not something anyone wants, it is a result of the injury or condition.
- Chronic pain causes huge fatigue, mental and physical. You can't will yourself to do things no matter how much you know you should. Your house goes to pot, your family loses out, you just lose momentum. You may learn to power through but that is likely the result of legal, prescribed narcotics and excessive over the counter items. It's true. And coffee, which I have a love for, drink regularly became an essential part of my daily life.
- There is never enough sleep, ever. It is possible to sleep around the clock and need to go back to bed in an hour. No one should be surprised or make any comments about it. Just sayin.
- You may not comb your hair, for days.
- You definitely can become cranky, angry, short tempered, impatient, etc, etc. Not because of anyone really, but because the effort to stay on topic no longer exists. You only have enough energy for that one thought and then you are done. I am guilty, I will forever owe gratitude for others patience.
- You quickly realize who is IN YOUR CIRCLE and who is not. Not the first time I have had this lesson but definitely a great refreshing of that list. You know who you are and I am forever grateful. You have my heart.

So there it is. I continue to enjoy the wind beneath my wings. I am enjoying being in the game again. Great job, great team, great friends and of course always a great family. I have been given the best!

So until I write next time..........Enjoy a few smiles.

Happy New Year

So it is another new year. For many that is a great thing, the opportunity to start new adventures, plan for big changes, forget the past! For some it is painful in that they don't know what the future holds, they have lost something or someone and moving on is like leaving them behind. I have been in both categories at one year or another in my life. I would like to provide a little glimmer of hope to those still waiting for that answer, that change, that new beginning.

In June 2009 I had a terrible car accident. Red light, I was stopped while the young man behind me did not. My car was totaled, and as it would turn out so was I! I was off work for 7 months, in therapy, on medication, getting injections. I had to beg to go back so that I could keep my insurance. I made my way through though many days were agony. You see, I pick up and move people for a living. I am a nurse. Much of the day requires standing on your head to complete procedures, power lifting folks in and out of bed, standing, walking, bending. This was a genuine challenge.

You see I was grateful for the work, for feeling 'better' than I did at the beginning, for being in a better situation than most of my patients. BUT, I still had to wake up in the morning, care for my family, drive unmedicated (which meant pain on the Arizona freeways, not good) and ignore my body all the while I focused on those on my assignment.

I became used to my condition, and determined to improve my health. I did, losing weight and becoming more mobile. The pain didn't stop though, and in rapid course my skeleton 'tapped out'! Within 4 months I went from mobile to bedridden, dancing to dependent on a heating pad set on high. Multiple symptoms developed over the time period from 2009 until 2016. My therapist kept saying it was as if I was becoming an incomplete quadriplegic. My body and functions were not working right or not working at all.

I developed hip fractures, we don't know why. I had deterioration to my spine. I had increased compression in my neck, nerves and spinal cord. I was losing feeling to my legs, arms, and backside. I felt like I was in a constant fog, like I was going to slip in a coma. I lost my ability to think and perform. I went to a neurologist who did extensive testing to diagnose me. I had hours of tests, needles, electrodes, biopsies. I went to a urologist, endocrinologist, gastrointerologist who all did tests, lab, X-rays, etc to diagnose me. I went to a pain orthopedist who injected me to relieve my pain numerous times. Then I went to an orthopedic group who initially thought I was cracked, until the first MRI came back. Then it all changed!

You could hear the brakes as they called me back immediately after that first MRI and said they found problems. It has been progress since. First I had a hip replacement. Better, no more cane or walker, no more hip pain. Then we injected my knees, that was interesting. No it doesn't hurt but that takes zero anticipation away or anxiety. I was able to freak out just the same. Then I saw the second spine surgeon. He took control, set the date and a few hours later I am out out of surgery and the next day out of the hospital. Life changing!

I have no pain at the site. My neck was stiff from the monster hard collar for 6 weeks. But 4 weeks in therapy and I am moving my neck well, some limits but NO PAIN. Anywhere! I sleep unmedicated. I walk unmedicated. I sit unmedicated. I can think, I can remember, I can feel my legs, feet, arms. I can  tell I have to go and I do! Life changing! Oh I might stand up a little slow but only for a second and most of the time it is habit not symptoms. You see I have been a wreck for 6 years, 4 months and 15 days.

I was off work for 6 1/2 weeks after surgery and for the first time in years I feel like I am back in the game, completely! I have been in the darkest valley for years. No I did not talk about it, I cope with denial or humor. No I did not complain much. I see people everyday who are in far worse circumstances and am reminded of the gifts I have not the ones I don't. I was cranky sometimes, but usually not. Perhaps too tired, lots of entertaining family and friends, diversions to put an abrupt stop to negative thoughts. Take every thought captive. I live by that and it took on a life of its own when dealing with chronic, deteriorating, health.

So it is a new year. I am grateful for all the things I have. I am grateful for renewed life. I am grateful for the friends and family who have helped me whether it was for a short moment or the long haul. It is not easy being a friend of those who are suffering, and it should never be taken for granted. I am grateful for the physicians who recognized I was not an attention seeking housewife but had serious health issues. I am grateful for their talents that I know are God given.

This year will be all new for me. I will get to see what my body is able to do daily again, take mastery over my well being again. Perhaps resume some things I have missed so much like walking and dancing. I even feel like going out, going shopping, going to church, going to meetings. Can't wait to see what the year will bring. No matter what I accomplish I have this fresh wind right now to encourage me as I start to participate in living.