Wednesday ..... I have some thoughts

So I have been enjoying the new job. A great time of adjustment, learning a new role, identifying the players, learning the rules, getting into a new routine, changing the wardrobe, driving endlessly, writing, reading and arithmetic! All true you see, you have to be able to read, create, speak, budget, present, schedule, plan, yada yada yada!

What have I learned is the next thing......I know you were going to ask because that's what you do. You are curious or nosey or bored or living vicariously through my exciting life in the desert. Ha. That's good!! Anyway I spent the past two weeks in situations where I was forced to breathe deeply often and ponder WHY I went into management! Well here are the nuggets from the first three months:

I love working with almost everyone almost all of the time. A colleague sent this to me today and suggested it would be a great "visual" to let those who need it know that they have ....... well....... ya know!

I love creating things. Arts, crafts and party planning are things I love. I should really take my reports to a much more creative level and "dress" them in such a way that NO ONE can say a negative thing! Bows, ribbons, fancy paper and perhaps a basket of chocolates or baked goods. Who can get mad with muffins in the room, right?

I am a very patient person. Really!     ............  sigh   .............  um   ........You  know, if you are done with this sentence you can move along already.......

I DO want to retire some day so that I can choose the projects, people, place, subject matter and schedule. Will I be a lay about? NOT! I would be able to do daily things like, vacuum, underwear shopping (don't ask), taking a bath, hygiene. You know, those things that get "comped" in order to complete more pressing tasks like creating a proposal to impact 11,000 employees or dealing with misbehaved  employees (ADULTS) or deciding which of the three meetings scheduled at the same time and day in three locations all marked "priority high" to go to. I would instead perhaps have one thing to do during the day, like well, find "relief"! Ha. Sounds silly doesn't it, but do you know I did not do that today until just a bit ago. I understand there are people in the world who get to find relief more than once or twice a day. I would like to be one of those people. It is near the top of my retirement list. Then I would volunteer, visit family or friends, clean, vacuum and definitely change out the underwear drawers. Day two might take more time to plan for, but it sounds like a great start.

Seriously, I do love my job, I love the challenge and I do love the people. I am reminded of how unique each person is and find each person has specific gifts and talents, and yes, irritations. But face it, I am irritating. I must be! We all have something and it is learning how to draw out those positive things in order to overshadow or change those things from the "dark side" of each person. I am inspired by the kids that accept and mentor Master Gates. They take him completely, whether he is cooperating or not, whether he gets it or not, they take him along for the ride. Sometimes I think grown ups need that. I have not always seen that done, but I think it is a great skill for us to learn or regain from our youth when we had more tolerance for differences in ............... everything.

There it is, my thoughts for today. Hope you had some good thoughts today too! I know I am ready to face a new day. And if I need it, I will send out the monkey. :-)

Krackle

My papa bear is so cute. Always has been. And as I watch him change, some things are so humorous.  It makes me happy to know he is happy, enjoys things almost all the time and if he doesn't he will not remember. A simple suggestion will turn his frown upside down. Oh to have that gift of a short term memory for the unpleasant things and to be so easily redirected to happy thoughts:-)

So to give you an example of the simple joys of life I take you to the doctors office. He remembers his primary "Dr. K" but not the specialist. But that's okay. The specialist introduces himself every time with such a gentle manner that I am almost convinced we haven't met before......well almost. Each doctor reviews the test results, each time with the same surprise from dad. And before we are to the door he has forgotten the news. Wonderful!

And so this week I decided to take him a few treats. It is Easter season and the really fun candy is out in all the fancy wrappers. He loves treats. He is like a little kid when given goodies and it is such a joy to see him enjoy the little things so completely. Anyway, I had a little gift bag and a couple of bags of candy. Mini M & M's and mini candy bars. He digs through the bag and pulls out a pink candy bar. "Krackle, I don't think I have ever had one before!" He opened it and wow, that was really good.

We talk about the weather and having lunch when he returns to his care center. This makes him hungry so he digs through the bag and pulls out a small candy in a pink wrapper. "Krackle. I don't think I have ever had one before." Oh, that is really good he declares. I am smiling, a little chuckle. We enjoy people watching, talking about birds and what field trip he will go on during the week. As we wait a bit longer, he digs through the bag and finds a bag of the mini M & M's. Those are fun.

As he drops the M & M wrapper into the bag, he digs for one more piece of candy. It is pink, Krackle. He hasn't had one before! Okay, I am enjoying this very much. I am laughing as I am holding three wrappers and seeing him enjoy it as if it was the very first time. And in a way for him it is. He has just as much pleasure with the third Krackle as the first.

I remind him that eating the bag of candy does not count as lunch and he smiles. He will take the rest home for after. But I wonder if he ate more on the ride back and if any of them were pink!

I wonder how often I take little joys for granted as the "new" is gone and I am no longer amused or excited. How great would it be to open a book, or cupboard, or whatever and be just as excited as the very first time. Think about it, if you looked at your spouse as if it was the very first time, EVERY time. And what if the bad news vanished as soon as it arrived in favor of happier thoughts. What a gift.

I am so glad he is happy. I pray he will continue to enjoy everything as if it as the first time, like the air museum (3 trips) or Cody's visit (new every time....even if gone to the restroom) as he continues on this very unpredictable journey.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Decisions Decisions

Sometimes life is not as we expect. Who am I kidding??? It is RARELY what we expect but quite often more than we could imagine. I have found that just when I think I have it figured out, the page is turned and I am back to square one. Ever been there? It is quite perplexing and well at times....exhausting. I watch those around me in times when the weight of the world is on their shoulders and the burden is great. They fight it, try and toss it off, refuse to deal with it, deny it exists, all while the great "globe" sits on their back, pressing them down. If they can not resolve the conflict, come to a firm decision, they eventually just give up.

                                                           

Now, that could sound like a terrible defeat. It could sound like failure. Often however in their weakness they can have the greatest victory! That battle, that intense struggle, is just a diversion on the road to answers. It is a speed bump, if you will. They are forced to slow down, assess the damage and look for solutions. They no longer look within, but their focus is moved to the world around them. What help is near, what options are there, who is able to help? Because they can no longer move on their own they are forced to seek help, forced to look deeper.

                                       

So what do you do when you have a huge decision to make and no idea what to do, or when? Or perhaps you have part of the answers, but not ALL of them. You could just jump in and take what you get. That is often what people do either because they don't care or no longer have the energy or attention to give something. Can go either way. If it is good they say "we were right". If it is  bad they tend to blame others for not telling them what to do. Hmmmm. They walk around sounding like Rocky.. "Don't Worry Bout' It!"

                                                

Others can analyze it to death. MANY people do this. They spend SOOO much energy on the problem they can not possibly see the answer even if it is sitting on the couch next to them or on the paper in their hand or in the voice on the phone. They could be reading the exact words they are asking to hear and not comprehend a single sentence. They have clouded their ability to receive the right answer, as they are unable to trust it, and will pull every detail apart.

                                      

Or in the best case, they are sitting still, silent, listening for direction. They are paying attention because they have come to the end of their own rope, no more ideas, no more fuss. They are open to hear the still small voice telling them exactly what and when to do whatever it is. They are immediately at peace as a result because they are no longer wrestling an enormous weight. It is fascinating to see people set free from all the cares in the world, especially those they should never have held on to from the beginning. They seem lighter, free, able to deal not only with the problems and cares in their life but the process needed to get past that bumpy road. No hesitation, no regrets.

                                                    

So, what are you waiting for? Lay it down, whatever it is, stop over thinking it, stop searching for reasons to see it fail or trying to change the focus. Let go let God! Hey, I have heard that before....I think it makes perfect sense.  

Happy Saturday Friends and Family! Proverbs 3:5 

The Blessing Counter: Six things you might not know about being a special needs parent...

The Blessing Counter: Six things you might not know about being a special needs parent...

Catching Up



Dust Storm Due West

 So I am driving all over town. It is a high mileage day for me. Some days I drive 5 miles to work and 5 miles back. This particular day however I drove 186 miles. It was a lot of driving. Fortunately I don't mind. I can listen to my radio and enjoy healthy entertainment and unwinding between meetings. Things like Classic Radio Mysteries, The Comedy Channel or K-LOVE blasting with the sunroof wide open (and the heat on). Perfect! But I noticed a sight in the distance that at first looked like a plume of smoke rising from the west. As I drove toward it the plume became a funnel shape and then into a wall of pure, brown, Arizona, pollen impregnated DIRT. Awesome!! So it was windows up, vents off and sunroof closed. I am going in. All  I needed was Indiana Jones to navigate. But as I passed through it I was gifted with some wonderful views. So I determined that even dirt can be beautiful .....from a certain point of view. Good times.

There is nothing quite like friends. And Cody is the most devoted friend. And a committed social butterfly. He knows everyone and everyone knows him. And you can be certain, you will be greeted and excused with equal enthusiasm. At the City of Peoria Art Show there were close to 100 people in a building designed for 40, MAX, many of them pubescent teens with such high energy they could have powered the energizer rabbit. High Voltage.

Art Show - City of Peoria

Deby and Mark Springer visit from Kansas with the Parents

 When you meet some people you can enjoy their company but not really be impacted in a way that remains when they leave. Others you may meet only a few brief moments and yet feel like you are life long friends. The Springer's are such people. They are lovely, kind, interesting and genuinely fun. They come each year for a short visit and it is the visit we will talk about until they come back again. They feel like family. And whether they know it or not, they are grafted in. I could warn them but what is the fun in that. One family quirk at a time is likely all an adopted family member can take at a time. And it supports my theory that God has a tremendous sense of humor.

My two favorite men in the whole wide world!

When I 'found' my husband I was so blessed. I thought God gave me the greatest gift. And He did. Then we had Cody and the gift was magnified. A husband who is honest, committed, wise, faithful and funny. A son who is a huge hug, sunshine in a box, silly, happy, kind and full of love. Well what else can I say. Blessed!!

Group Picture - Cody at the Center of it all!

So it is rare we get to see our children in their natural environment, acting "natural". Sitting back silently and just watching, I saw this young man, who I still envision as a six year old (I know, I have issues) hangin' with his crowd. Teasing, laughing, at the center of the gang, doing things to make others laugh, being loved and hung on. He walked in to this huge event and left us! High fiving and hugging with a "Hey Dude" "What's Happening" "Nice Hair" He eventually completed his rounds and joined us at the table. We felt honored to get a minute of his time. Makes me a bit guilty about the days I wish I could have a minute to myself....I may not really be ready for that! Sigh.

Alexandra and Cody

Then of course as the event progresses I see his friends huddle around HIM, embrace him, laugh with him. He has FRIENDS and they LOVE him. And he has FUN and can HANG with the crowd. He is NOT on the outside but in the CENTER of a great group of human beings. WOW! I am so proud he has developed so much confidence and enjoys being "in the hood!"


Isaiah, Cody and Jessica! Friends:-)

 It is amazing to see the circle of life if you will.. Friends who he has known in one place now at another. And they have each other to lean on. Good news, Cody loves to care for others EVEN when they don't need it or don't think they need it. He is very willing to tell them what to do anyway. And because they like Cody they might just do what he wants. And they know that in the end they still get to do what they had planned.


Logan, Paris, Carlee, Ms. Taylor, Cody, Lance and Diana at Harlem Globetrotters

 From one year to the next we add on to the roster of friends. We can say he is a magnet! He sticks to people and they seem to stick to him. I know that over the course of any day he is not alone. And I can guarantee you he is rarely quiet. Shhhh don't tell him I said that:-) He never forgets, never lets go. Friends!


Cody and a Trotter


So you hold your hands like this and point your fingers like that and then smile, say cheese. Yes, he gave that tall Globetrotter all of those instructions prior to this picture. Trotter got it going on. good job:-) And in case you don't recognize that hand move, it is the Wiggles famous hand waggle. He has this down pat. The next NEW Wiggle could just as well take training from Cody. Wigglology 101.

Codys' Ms Caroline! We love her!!

And I am quite certain that he loves GIRLS of many ages. He LOVES Ms Caroline. And having met her I get it. She is sweet, flowing, gentle, great accent, patient and beautiful. He is at home in her company, included in the conversation and activity. She has a great gift with special people. And her popularity is global as she gives of herself around the world teaching and encouraging children with special needs to BE, MOVE,  BELIEVE, DANCE! Cody looks forward to the next great adventure: Nutcracker!! "I love to dance!"

And there you have it. This is the past 4 weeks. And there is more that happened in the last 4 weeks but these are some of the fun parts. Yippee! So what is missing? Well you will just have to wait and see.

The PLAN

So the PLAN is to have a group of athletes compete to win games, win medals, exhibit great sportsmanship. That is the PLAN!

But there are times when the PLAN is not quite what we expect. We may see opportunities arise all around the PLAN. Instead of a narrow vision and limited options, we may find that the PLAN can even be accomplished if we explore, look outside of our own space.

When we venture out of our comfort zone we may find that the PLAN may be accomplished by helping others achieve their goals.......score!

Or it may be that the PLAN, while it looked to be about winning and sports, may really be about being with best friends....

and taking home a neat reminder of great fun and new adventures.

No matter how it turns out, the best part of the PLAN is sharing it with those you love!

Gettin' Jiggy

What is it that has this boy dancin'? Music would be a great first guess, but not!  Good grades? Maybe. Good friends? Pretty good. Dinner? Some days perhaps, but not THIS day. The answer my friends, NEW CLOTHES! Yes it appears if you don a pair of Stafford men's Classic Fit slacks and a new polo shirt you can't help but move your groove thing. I love to shop and fortunately so does he. He loves clothes. And when he saw these on the hanger in the men's suit department, NO I was not shopping for him, he exclaimed "This is it mom! I need THESE!" And he began to show me how they would .......work. Needless to say we had the attention of the very seasoned, perhaps original suit salesperson who was quite unsettled by his Elvis like moves. Good times:-) And as you can see the Hound Dogs' still got it goin' on.
He has been most excited to hear from teachers and friends how handsome he is. I already knew that, but apparently others have taken notice. And maybe the twist moves help. Whatever it is I would love to have a little rub off. In the interim, I enjoy the constant celebration of life that is our greatest Valentine's gift ever!

So food for thought: Try on some new clothes, tap your toes, strike that Saturday Night pose and get jiggy!

Looking Ahead

For those who have not experienced a life interrupted, well, I think you are in a coma or on some really great medication. That being said, I have had a journey of unexpected proportions. At the end of the day I can say it is all good. However between Breakfast and Lunch I would tell you it was a bad bad nightmare. I discovered I am not prepared to:

Grow old(er)

Lose my Independence

Lose my Memory

I have however already lost my mind, or so I have been told, so that one is already marked off my bucket list. I was not prepared as to how I would respond to those changes in my parents, and my coping mechanism was well, I would say deplorable is fairly accurate. I had a roller coaster of "reactions" to every phase of "mourning" experienced by my parents. None of them are in the books,,,,,,well they are there but on the WHAT EVER YOU DO, NEVER DO THIS column. Sounds rather tragic I know. BUT I am glad to say that "This too shall pass" is true! That is the greatest news. You see, the loss was gradually accepted and the new unplanned life has begun. I am oh so grateful for those who stood beside me during the dark days, and who reminded me this is a season. And there are many seasons and we have moved into the next season. Wonderful! Now I will tell you I learned some things about myself that will stay with me for some time:

I get angry.

I get anxious.

I get depressed.

I get encouraged.

I get hopeful.

I get comforted.

I get carried!

I get peace.

Those sound normal but I have always been in control, never letting go of the reigns or laying it out there for the world to see. Going forward I know that no matter what situation I am faced with,  I may experience any or all of these BUT I know that it, that unplanned, unexpected diversion, will only be for a season. This too shall pass! And just in case you are wondering, NO that is not a Bible quote, though it rings true of the promise that we have hope.

Philippians 3:13-14:  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus

-110 and Counting

So at some point you have that life changing "ah ha!".... followed by a plethora of thought, questions and decisions. I could be talking about laundry soap or brands of sandwich meat, but no. I am talking about baggage. Physical baggage. I have spent my life, since the age of 9 dealing with it. And it has always defeated me.
It has been interesting as I recall all of the ??? support I have received. You know the kind, they state the obvious yet lack compassion as they remind you that they are there for you. They talk nicely ".... to...." you but stand in the other room critiquing and criticising you. They are without empathy. They are actually clueless to this struggle. It is foreign to them.
That is okay mind you, as we all have something we are at war with. A battle that requires complete and intentional focus to "divide and concur. It may take days or decades, but even when it is overcome, it will take a lifetime of commitment and attention to stay triumphant.
So here it is, my dirty laundry aired for the world to see. OK, they have already seen it but most have not walked too far in my shoes. Well, I have changed shoes. I am running now, focused on the prize. And it is indeed within reach. Can't believe it myself. I have wanted to find a way to successfully "change my ways" and I have. I have found a way to stay on target and not feel deprived or as if I am being disciplined. I have changed....many things. For example:

1. My clothes. About every 4 weeks. A size smaller. I am down to keeping about 5 shirts and pants in my current size and one of each in the next size smaller. Everything else, gone!
2. My food. I have learned what to keep for meals, and I have it everywhere. No more excuses. I can not blame mom if my celery runs out. All me!
3. My lifestyle. I have turned over a new leaf or at least a rock or two. Time to move, change all the behavior. I am training for a half marathon which I am signed up for in November. Yikes! I can run a blender, but a race? This will indeed be a great adventure.
4. My mind. I haven't lost it, though some may disagree. But I am taking thoughts captive, recognizing that for me, this is going to be my life's work, so to speak. I will have to make friends with the changes and also admit that I am not losing a kidney, but cake. Not too bad when I think of it this way.

If you see me digress, please say so. If you have a hard time understanding this struggle, think about what you fight in your life. It is just the same only not chocolate. And if it helps, I know what you are going through, even if I don't have exactly the same battle. I have the same desire, goal and tools available to get to the finish line. And together we can stay stronger, just like Aaron and Hur were there for Moses. One will hold up the arm of the other if they are weak or tired. I will be there for you!

Thought for Today

Any Questions???

Passing the Torch

Two: I want that! I want it now. WAAAAA!
Seven: I like that. I will take it, hide it. Mine! All mine!
Fifteen: I like that. I will trade you something for it. Too cool!
Thirty five: I don't think this is what I wanted. Does somebody want it? I will make you a deal.
Sixty one: We've been there, had that, I think....pretty sure. Might be in the garage.
Seventy nine: That is mine, give it back. I want it, I want it now! WAAAA!
Eighty three: I've never had that. Why would anyone want that?
Ninty: That's not mine. Take it away, ....What is it?

Well time changes things, perspective and definitely memory. Even more alarming is the change in "roles". It was absolute joy growing up in my family. Oh don't get me wrong, we were normal ...for Air Force brats moving coast to coast with a father gone often and a mom at home. We got along....and as the baby no one suffered as much....I mean had it better. My sister and brother have always watched out for me. They have been my cheer leaders, partners in crime and friends. We even laugh together....often! THAT is what siblings should do.

Then there is the whole parent child thing. I watched my siblings grow up only to leave me at home. Really! Completely abadoned for such silliness as marriage and families. Eventually I left to travel, go to school.... many times, marry and become a mom. The role was easy and our child the greatest gift. A special gift, my son. A clean, untainted view of the world and the ability to get me to de-escalate in the most challenging moments. Then suddenly I acquired two other children. One a bit passive and quiet, a streak of stubborness but a great smile and quick wit. The other chatty, silly and a bit cranky, fussy if you will with a glimmer of insecurity. On the upside she loves to give gifts. I never imagined having three special needs kids all at the same time. Yikes!

While I love this role it has been brutal. I have watched these kids change, dramatically. I have watched the younger one, 15,  grow making us proud in his efforts in school while the older ones, 82 and 84, regress through the doors of time, and memory. They have fought every bit of the way too. Loss of space, work, familiarity, privileges, ability, memory. Gone like a vapor, or so it must seem to them. They have transitioned through this life change at different speeds, but are heading to the same destination. A loss of self as they see it.

Once full of direction, conversation and ability they are finding it difficult to make the simpilest decisions. And so that is where I come in. I have gone from baby, youngest daughter to caregiver, nurse, and stranger. It is okay, I have gotten used to that. I don't mind being the tough girl. What is hardest to adjust to is the fussing. Temper tantrums in grown adults is really quite different than when I watched my son do it. First he was little and cute. Secondly he didn't tell me what he thinks. Grown ups do that. And they have a whole vocabulary of emotions and thoughts that I would rather not know.

So I have come to accept that I have gone from the child to the parent. I have transitioned from taking advise to giving orders. I am in charge, and have had to make the tough decisions. I don't have to spank anyone so that is great, but it feels like that at times. Learning to ignore the words and accept the feelings is the most challenging step to make this all work. They don't mean what they say, but that is because they can no longer express what they feel. Patience, small words, short activities, naps, quiet time. Sound familiar? It is what we do now to be happy. Much like those early years, we are working on taking baby steps to this change in life. I am taking notes.