unconditional

I AM GOING IN! Wait you shout, you can not pet the ducks. We are not the same. They only like us if we feed them. We only like them if their dinner. Always some rule or exception or clause for the ducks and people to coexist. Sound familiar?
I have found it interesting to see if I can truly give unconditional love and acceptance. It takes deliberate, intentional actions at times. A concentrated effort to give love to all no restraint or restrictions. BUT it can be done. Even more enlightening is to assess if I am able to receive unconditional love and affection. Much like those ducks I think there are conditions, hidden hazards, mysterious motives that are really intended to bait me in so you can baste and roast me for dinner.
We are complex beings with insecurities and unchecked emotions that lend us to creating more drama to any conversation than needs to exist. We are suspicious and hyper-reactive to even the slightest waiver in tone or volume. Unconditional! It means NO condition action motion emotion will cause me to love you less or more. It is not I love you if or when but I love you. Period.
Enduring unmoved unshaken uncomplicated uninhibited undying love. Unconditional.
So like that boy who says he is going to see the ducks. He doesn't care if they are loud scary flighty nippy ugly bald. He just loves the ducks. Maybe one day the ducks won't run for cover but hang around for a little TLC!

What, was I talking? Have you experienced this today? I have been reflecting on this from both sides of the discussion. I was in a meeting and without fail every time someone wanted to interject a thought or explain their side, this face would be glaring back at them. You could tell that there was not the least bit of interest in anything that would be said. Their way or the highway.
It took me back to many past situations personal and professional where a conversation was attempted but clearly the face looking back had closed the door. They were not going to even entertain hearing what you thought or felt. Your opinion or concern was not important, it didn't matter. Only them. Only what they would choose to think would be considered to be so.
Frustrating to say the least. Especially when you want peace, you find yourself at war. Tragic really. God told us to think more of others than ourselves. He told us forgive. And so we do this but the caution is that while you do your part to live in peace you can never influence others to take those same steps. That is Gods work. Only His spirit will change the heart. The good news is that He can and has changed hearts, changed lives. So we know He can change the hardest hearts. The job we have in the meantime? Love, pray and trust.

Sock Puppets

While I run in circles trying to juggle all the cares of the world my son is focused on the here and now. Seems there is a Sunday service in there somewhere. But just at the absolute breaking point to my overbooked schedule, he runs in to tell me the funniest joke, he promises. I sigh deeply and try to act extremely interested.
"Why did the banana go to the doctor?" "I don’t. Know. Why would a banana go to the doctor?" "Because he didn't peel well. Get it mom?"
Okay I have to admit it is pretty funny. Then I realized I wasn't peeling as well as I should either. Why, I half wondered as I clearly knew the answer. I had not been spending enough time with my fruit, or son. I was busy but for all the wrong reasons. Happens to me all the time. I move or sleep. I must be doing. Problem is I start out good, defined list, clear priorities. Then the magnet phenomena occurs. I attract every project, needy person, volunteer for all the projects. Before I know it I have packed that schedule to the hilt. Jesus will be back before I hit page two. Just call me Martha.
It is while at the bookstore that my son tells me he has found it. The perfect thing. Sock puppets. A kit to make puppets. It is easy the box assures me. For children 8 and older......right!
The easy kit turned into an all night ordeal. But what fun it was. I was not messing with work emails, my classwork, the dozens of other things I do. I was focused. I had my eye on the prize. And it reinforced something I know but often forget. I do my best when I am all in as opposed to divided into a million pieces. I made two pretty decent sock puppets, completed in one sitting. Not dragged out over four weeks and a fragmented calendar. Some of my family or friends have this perfected. I am still learning I guess. I have to reboot my mental computer and do a scan to defragment and declutter. I hope I get this down someday. But in the meantime I will start out with babysteps, or in this case Sally the monkey and Spot the dog.

A Wonderful Life

Who knew that bell bottom pants would go out of style then come back. And platform shoes? Really, no one could walk on them the first time and yet they have soared back into fame. And then there is that disco music. We were just laughing the other day as we realized that some of our current favorite movies or shows win that affection because of the tunes or lifestyle portrayed. We remember younger days, and seemingly better ones. We turn off the tube with a sigh and a smile. Just walking through the grocery store the other evening they were playing all the popular 80's music. People were singing and toe tapping down every aisle. Ha Good times.
When I look at the entire aging process it really mirrors these moments. The current times maybe look too complicated, or busy so you regress to those younger more active days in your mind. While there is nothing wrong with the present, we all seem to enjoy most of it. We all find some comfort in looking at old pictures, times when there were fewer complications to living daily.
So as I sit across from my father during his 83rd birthday, my mom by his side, I see memories of better days, good times. Watching him talk and tell stories he basks in the light of the good old days,times in the service, all the planes he has flown, times of travel and times with his family. While he doesn't always remember us now, he knew us when and he is happy with those memories. They make him chuckle,and cause him to recall other fun times or conversations.
This could cause me to despair, but I could not be happier because he has indeed had a great life, lived a long time and enjoys the memories of days gone by. I have annoyed people for years with my camera but I am so glad I did. I have so many pictures of those good old days and he recognizes many of those times. I have even copied old pictures from his childhood. Good stuff. So what have I learned from this season? Time goes by fast, and while we are so busy running to keep up it is those quieter or simpler times that we will reflect on. Think about it, after being married 20 years we reflect on our youth, dating, falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, and the birth of our dear son. Those are wonderful memories and I am so glad that I will be able to look back with the same pleasure as my father.....I have had a great life, lived a long time and enjoyed all those days gone by. Good times:-)

Sunday Best

As I begin each day I spend a great deal of time getting clean, groomed, decorated and properly clothed. This to go to work, where I will sweat, be in constant contact with unmentionables and certainly will collect a stain or two to my hand picked outfit. By the end of the day make up is no longer in it's original location or state, but rubbed about to highlight less desirable features. All in a days work.

What is the benefit of this morning ritual? The first few people think I look very nice, but by mid-day they think I look tired and as I egress to the car some ask if I feel okay. And this causes me to chuckle as some days I am not sure myself. But all in all I don't mind the disheveled condition in which I leave work as I feel it is worth the mess. It feels good.

Then there are those times where I don't want to paint the barn or put on the dry cleaned outfits. I want to just relax, be comfortable. This is nice, but upon reflection, it may appear that I am placing less effort for one activity more than others. This can cause observers to say that it appears one group of people is more important than others. I make less effort for some. Hmmm.

And what about Sunday? I grew up in a liturgical world. Dresses, hats, gloves, shiny leather shoes and proper manners. Sears Finishing School, I know where all the silverware goes and what it is used for. I made the most charming appearance upon attending those great houses of worship. The question would be for whom did I dress? And this got me thinking about all the other times I do or don't "dress". Where should my focus be?

Truly I need to start dressing from the inside out, not the top to bottom or utilizing war paint....not saying I don't need it, just shouldn't be the first coat or project so to speak. What is my motivation for the day, who has my focus and what do I want to be seen by others when I exit the preparation room? I think it needs to always start in the heart, looking for the reflection of my actions, then the mirror for necessary repairs. And if I indeed have the proper focus for the day, I will desire to honor others with my spiritual, emotional and physical appearance. That does not mean designer jeans or zillion dollar handbags, but cloths that are modest. Then I can assure my hair is in a kept style and just a tad of accents if it is pleasing to those I should please first in the world, family. And I know that if I dress in this order, putting on my Spiritual Sunday Best first, everything else will fall in to place. Despite the day or the number of stains I will have the glow that only comes from getting dressed in the right order.

Romans 13:12-14

Memories..........

Memories, those things that are entertaining and over time become even more so as they evolve into new, enhanced memories. Those of you who have been around older folks might have seen this phenomena. A story losses details and gains details and suddenly it is a completely new story. Best part, no one knows that the elements have been changed so you are able to hold the audience captive with the same intensity as when they were first told, version 1.1.

As we have watched this stage in life unfold we are seeing bits of the present disappearing and more of the past becoming a bit cloudy. And for most of it, only we recognize these changes. But every once in awhile he remembers that he can't remember, which upsets him. Then he sees a bird and he has instantly forgotten what he remembered he forgot. I see glimmers of this in my life already. I wonder some day will I be remembering a different reality? This would not be all bad, but most of my real life has been exceptional.

So for me it has always been pictures. I have thousands of pictures, literally. Books, boxes and now discs and hard drives. I don't won't to miss a thing. I believe I got this from my parents. I am so grateful for this annoying yet perfectly divine habit. I have pictures of everything; first swim, first cake, first camping trip, first concert, first car, first job, first school, first (only) husband, first son, first house, and on and on and on. Wonderful. I have piled through these memories on a few occasions this past year and a half with the unexpected loss of a cousin, loss of a dear nephew, the stroke of my father and the graduation of our son. Other moments we have enjoyed spending time in the years of memories from pictures of my husbands family and mine, remembering wonderful times, and we are left smiling.

So I have found that by writing books with pictures instead of words I am able to restore order to some memories for my dad and will be preserving memories for me. When opportunities arise we can reunite with family and be able to show them every moment missed. We can share with friends and entertain them with stories of our lives. And hopefully we will not drift too far off the facts, but when we do, we trust we will be as entertaining as in our more reliable and fact filled presentations.

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time” Friedrich Nietzsche

First Steps

I do not remember my first steps. I hear that I wanted to do it all myself, all the time. Not much has changed there. Everyone who knows me describes me with friendly words like independent, creative, confident, strong, when they are really thinking stubborn, headstrong, and pushy. You didn't think I knew what you meant, right? Ha, it's okay, I may have had those same thoughts about some of you:-)

But as I have been reflecting over my current situation, I realize that I could not be meeting all of the needs and expectations if I wasn't all of those things above. And it is all good. But I have found that when I struggle the most it is when I do not allow others in, or accept help. Then I saw this old picture. Suddenly I saw a large cast in what appears to be an event isolated and independent of the planet. "Ah Ha" I said. And yes I do really say that!

How many people or how many years did it take for two or three men to get to skip on the moon? 1000's! Those required to sell the idea, acquire funding, manage funding, design the suits and the shuttle, build and arm the ship, electronics and life support systems, teachers, counselors, trial run and trainers. Crazy. So then how on earth can I expect to provide car to so many people if I do not let others in, share my needs and accept their gifts? I can not.

I will drop dead as I have threatened to do for years! But it will not be because I am at the ripe old age and place in life to do that, but because I pushed too hard and too long without the support and love of others. Thank GOD for others! A prime opportunity presented just this morning. I have met a friend for breakfast at 7 a.m. every Saturday for years. And she listens intently to my plans and tasks, then calmly says so "What can I do to help?" "What day will you like me to take off?" "You are doing too much and you need my help. I want to help!"

Wow, what a great friend. And how humbling to know that others see me so much more clearly than I see myself. Good thing too. I was told just the other day that I was not aloud to leave for any reason, and that included death! I hope that I can remain willing and open to accepting help. And I hope that those who offer it know how truly grateful I am, even though I might be a bit pushy, stubborn and headstrong:-)

Are you Listening?

It has been an interesting time with the progression of my fathers dementia. He is a different man in many good ways, so we will focus on those for now. Growing up my father served in the military as a pilot. The only thing he ever wanted to do was fly. He worked at a theater making a dime a night and did odd jobs including giving people rides, carrying pregnant women up stairs at the the little two story "hospital" and much more all for the end goal of making a nickle and taking a flying lesson.

And fly he did, everywhere, in anything with engines and wings. He has a million stories to tell about his youth, his service and the two flying careers that followed. And over our lifetime we have heard them soooooo many times already. But now they are taking on new meaning. And I would go so far as to say that we have learned a bit about the value of a good tale. We may have passed on some story fests or only given half of our attention when we were younger, but now we are hanging on every word. History, purpose, humor, dad!

And what has surprised me is that as his details get a little mixed up I actually know some of the "original" facts. I must have listened a bit more than I was aware. In addition I am seeing that my father, who used to only socialize as a result of work requirements, is enjoying his new found audience. These unsuspecting beings are like chocolate to dad. He LOVES someone to come make his bed or help him get dressed as there is always a tale or two he can share. And don't get him started on his picture books. Those are awesome. He shows them to me like they are new every visit and that is just fine. I'm taking notes.

The best part? He is happy, and he has a million stories to tell and lots of new folks to tell them to. He waves at people walking by. He lights up with the least bit of attention. And when we go to visit, he pulls out the picture book to show us his new book, and I am all ears.

Lessons from the Throne

Okay, there is no where this blog can go but down the toilet on this one. Today I thought about the subtle changes that impact life as I sat down on an unsecured porcelain seat?! Hmmmm

Well anyway as I sat down for what I thought was a simple task I was treated to a small amusement ride, absolutely free of charge. I recovered without event and without attracting any sign of alarm from whomever was knocking constantly at the door. Etiquette 101: If once you have knocked and the door is still locked, ...you can continue to pace knowing someone just isn't done.:-)

The rest of the day was uneventful until I arrived home and well, you know I am 50! So I visited my clean and relaxing loo with a deep sigh of relief only to discover that my own seat was a bit loose. Nothing like the earlier event, but still a little wobble was noted. I began to ask myself a couple of questions that took me on one of my bunny trails, so here it is.

I began to wonder how that perfectly tightened bolt became loose, and eventually completely unwound. And without really being noticed until it was several revolutions from sound. This made me think about our own lives. Subtle changes cause us to slowly lose focus, and can eventually derail us completely leaving us to spin recklessly off the security of the "throne". It is frightening how my little mind wanders isn't it?

I often think I have a plan and I am committed to it, focused, never gonna quit or give in. Then like that small plastic toilet seat bolt, I start to turn around, looking everywhere but my target. I either have to stop and "get a grip" or I will end up spinning wildly until I am falling onto a dirty, smelly tile floor. Thought provoking and yet so true!

And what about the rider? Have you ever imagined what impact or effect you have on others who are relying on you to stay true? If we loose our hold on the task others go slip sliding away with us. Wow, who knew this could all come from porcelain?

So as I start my next big project I am going to remember that little bolt. I am going to remember to hold on tight, stay focused and avoid those less than desirable pitfalls that leave you unsatisfied and stained by the, well, you know. And since this is one of those analogies that I will frequently be reminded of I think there is a chance I will remember this one!

Lucy

I can honestly say that of all the reading I have done, the Chronicles of Narnia are my favorites. Every time I have read them I am at a different place in my life, or had a situation present that is reflected in the characters and stories. C. S. Lewis was one great observer of life!

I would like to think I could be the loyal Reepicheep who is small, mighty and unflappable. Well, anyone who knows me knows that is not ANYTHING like me........After all I am TALL :-) and he is, after all, a mouse or rodent of some kind. I am no longer strong, but wimpy with a sore shoulder, wrist, hip, ankle and I no longer am able to keep my mind calm with changes. I am a real disaster. Ha!

I occasionally see a bit of Susan in me, but not often. Foo-foo and all things frilly have never had my attention...mostly because they are not often in my size:-) Edward and Peter are tried and true kings, both tested and steadfast....with some normal brotherly combat from time to time, but never forsaking their family or their king! They have focus on the final prize.

So that brings me to Lucy. I so want to walk with that simple faith, willingness to see/admit my flaws and then move on, not hold on to anything. Just letting go and following the prize. She is the most spiritually free of the children. Not Woodstock free but no guilt, innocent, no remorse, total trust free! She is Mary choosing to sit at the feet of the king instead of Martha losing focus over spring rolls and table cloths and the number of house guests who have showed up for supper.

As I write this I think of my week. What will I focus on, what will get done and what will have to get tossed onto the someday list. What will I be concerned about that I can change now and what will I need to hand over, trusting the King to deal with. Hmmm There are really big things that I would like to fix, but know I can not. I have to let the King work....will I be able to let those things go? What would Lucy do?

She would talk to the great Aslan, He would give her an answer and she would move on, trusting her King had her best interest in mind. I will let you know how it goes and if I am actually able to keep my mind free, untangled, not trying to solve the worlds or my dilemmas but letting the Masters Hand take care of every tiny detail!

New Beginnings

I love a NEW year. It is a chance to start new, fresh. A blank slate so to speak. Now that being said, there are some things that I like to carry forward as reminders or memories of lessons learned. Good, bad or just nuts it is a wonderful opportunity to learn from the past and apply to the future.

As I visit my social network, I have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends, getting to know family better and sharing thoughts or events with those who, like you, are willing to read them. As I have reflected today I have laughed over old times and thanked God I have grown. I have been humbled by those things which were painful or brought sorrow to me or my family or friends. And of course some things are just there, unable to be framed as there is still unfinished or unresolved business.

That being said, it is normal I think to end an old year in this manner, with a list of the years pros and cons, good and bad. And if we are planning for new year resolutions, it is good to have a list to start from. No sense repeating any finished work, or worse still, undoing completed work. For me it is the challenge of letting go of what I can not change and fully embracing those things I can or should.

So, I can imagine that everyone who knows me would love to make suggestions on what I should focus on in 2011. Thank you in advance for your input! I tend to be the one who wants to do it all and I want to do it now! Is there a problem with this? I have friends who for years have told me they are not sure how I cover all my bases, get it all done, run in circles. Well, I am finally thinking I am not so sure I do get all my bases covered WELL. I do many things but don't always get to give each of them the attention I would desire or that they deserve.

So the first thing I think may help me and others is to:

1. Make a list of all required activities and time involved
2. Make a list of all optional/volunteer activities and time involved
3. Make a list of all daily chores and time involved
4. Make a list of most important people, most to less most?!
5. Make a list of how many waking hours are available every day

NOW, on a blank weekly calendar fill it in.....run out of space? I already have and I am not done blogging! Ha. Where did you put "me" time, prayer time, laundry, family dinner, husband, parents, friends, work.....it is really hard. I want everyone in the top box but as I age (I said it, I am aging!) I am finding more value or desire for some things and willing to spend much less energy on others. Perhaps it is because I know some things I can never fix, but a few things I may be able to impact. I must focus there.

I have a lot of work to do on my list this weekend, but I will have it done by Monday. I have put it on my required list! I want to live more intentionally this year, enjoy more laughing this year, get to know family and dear friends even better and serve in the RIGHT place, not just any place. Phew! Think there is any hope for me? I hope so as I tire easier, am slightly less resilient then in my youth and well, I am cranky sometimes, a totally new thing for me. Don't over think this as I am SURE it will pass in a year or 10 :-)

So hormones and age aside, I hope that you will walk with me this year. I truly enjoy my family and friends. I think you all rock and I am constantly inspired to grow, be better in my daily walk. I recall a famous (humerous) quote which reflects how I feel as I learn from some of you. I am thinking that many of you feel the same about me!

"It may be an unwise man that doesn't learn from his own mistakes but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's" Frasier 1996